Us and Them

I've written before about the different communities in my Tai Chi and my favorite yoga class.  Both classes are taught in my gym.  In my opinion a class taught in a gym is less likely to feel like a community.  My experience with gyms is that people drop in and out of classes.  However both of these classes have a large following of regulars and, therefore, both have a strong sense of community.

I much prefer the sense of community in my tai chi class.

This is the first time I've ever studied yoga and my only previous experience with yogis was sharing studio space (my dojo and a yoga class both rented adjacent rooms in a dance studio and we shared a dressing room).  I wasn't left with the warm fuzzies for the yogis I met previously. The same is true for the majority of people in this yoga class.  They appear rather cliquish, and while not unfriendly, they aren't particularly welcoming.  I am definitely an 'outsider regular.'  [A lot of this has to do with my personality.  I'm not quick to get to know anyone and generally need to be drawn out in social situations.  Although b says I'm getting much more social lately.  I don't know if it is a function of aging or living in the South.]

Today I got to my yoga class a little early.  My neck was hurting quite a bit (from moving furniture incorrectly yesterday) and I wanted to try and stretch and relax a little before class started.  There were two other regulars already there.  The regulars generally have preferred spots.  If I'm not early I often lose my preferred spot but today I was able to claim it.  It is right next to an older gentleman who is right next to an older woman.  They often chat and were doing so today when I got there.

The woman is someone who has always rubbed me the wrong way.  She is a bit of a yoga cop--doesn't actually enforce the rules but complains when they are broken.  She is also one of the more cliquish of the regulars.  Last week I was surprised that she actually spoke to me.

Today, as I lay on my mat trying to relax, I couldn't help but overhear their conversation.  It covered a lot of territory including: the state of Arizona, illegal immigrants, shopping sprees, the Russian mafia in NYC, unicycles, people who foreclose on their mortgages, and people who walk across the yoga floor in shoes.  Several times I heard the word "they" used--as in "what they do" and what "enables them."  I breathed deep and tried to concentrate on relaxing my shoulders and my neck, which were really tight.  Our instructor starts class with a prayer that includes a wish that "no conflict should arise to cause disharmony between us."  I tried hard to put that disharmony aside but was only mildly successful.

Another regular, who had been missing for several weeks, came in and said hello to the pair.  She said she was glad to be back.  The woman acknowledged her and said something to the effect of "we are always glad to have our regulars back."  I couldn't help but wonder--am I an 'us' or a 'them'?

In my tai chi class we are also very happy to see regulars come back after an absence.  We welcome them back individually and as a class.  We also welcome new people--we learn their names and introduce them around.  We ask about each other's lives and share little stories.  We encourage each other in our practice.  

I don't know anyone's political leanings but I'm sure there are many with different views from my own.  There are side conversations that occur before and after class but they are fairly innocuous.  They are also very fluid; you can watch small groups merge and separate like a successful cocktail party.

During yoga class, I am an individual.  I spend an hour trying to live in my body and in the present moment.  I don't always achieve my goals but it is helpful to strive for them. In tai chi I am a member of a group.  I spend an hour trying to live in my body and in the present moment but I also spend an hour with people I've come to regard as friends.  In tai chi I've yet to meet (or feel like) a 'them.'

Riding in Cars with Students

Due to the nature of my research, I often have to be in and around the community. Since I run student research teams this means that I spend a fair amount of time traveling around in cars with my students. They usually drive because (a) I mostly walk to work, (b) I'm a much better navigator than I am a driver, and (c) their cars are generally nicer than mine.

Riding in cars with students provides for a different type of interaction and conversation. Most of my team are on a first name basis with me (although for a few it just doesn't feel right and they prefer to use Dr. Brigindo) and are comfortable talking about personal as well as professional issues. But there is something about spending time in a car that brings relationships to a new level. I think that's why I enjoy road trips so much. Parents often report that the best communication with their children happens in cars and I definitely miss the quality car time I had with Boy before he got his drivers' license.

This week three of my students and I had to make several trips to help out my colleague who is in the hospital after a traffic accident. He is a loved professor to my students and we were running errands for him and visiting him in the hospital. The talk in the car was about him and his accident to some extent but we also spent a lot of time talking about their next steps in life. All three of them are graduating in a month and are on the job market. I like to sit back and listen to them talk about what they want to do, their fears of taking the next step, and their concerns with the interview process. They are great at supporting each other and sharing advice.

I have found out that two of my students were "nerdy readers" when they were growing up and I enjoy discussing literature--what we read as adolescents, what we read now--with them. I'm surprised by how much we talk about cars on these trips. That was definitely a favorite topic of Boy but I always attributed that to his being an adolescent male.

It's not really any particular conversation that I like but more the type of conversation. It's easy and fluid and can be about anything.

My Week As A Western Movie

The Good

I'm teaching a practicum class with both graduate and undergraduate students in my field. As a class we've been planning a large event in the community. Students had to secure space, funds, contributions, and volunteers as well as handle food and decorations. They also had to advertise and recruit participants. As a group we coordinated the entire event through class meetings and Blackboard.

The event occurred today and it went off like a charm. My students, 11 amazing young women, were awesome. The participants enjoyed themselves, learned a few things, met new people, felt pampered and appreciated, and were extremely appreciative of the all the hard work that went into the event. My students felt like they did a good job, worked well as a team, got professional experience, and made a really great day for some women who don't often get special treatment.

I felt proud.

The Bad

A few nights ago one of my colleagues, an avid bike rider and crusader for bike safety, was hit by a car while riding home from the office. The young woman who hit him was text messaging while driving. He is in the hospital with multiple broken bones, including 5 vertabrae. He is definitely improving but it will be a long recovery process. He lives alone and his family lives in another part of the country. On top of all this, it seems his elderly mother has been in and out of the hospital for most of the week, which means his sisters cannot come and take care of him.

[A small piece of good from this event is seeing how much the entire community (department, school, university) are rallying around him and helping him through this tough time. It's feels good to belong to such a supportive group.]

The Ugly

My mother was visiting this entire week. She is never an easy woman and has some serious emotional issues. I noticed when she arrived that she was in one of her "funks," not depression but rather not taking care of herself and drinking more than normal. Towards the end of her visit she manipulated b into a full-scale blow-out fight. She is known for this type of behavior, often with her sons-in-law, but b doesn't really fight with anyone and they certainly have never fought before.

The fight was, of course, over something stupid and if you followed it, which I had no choice but to do, it didn't make much sense. It escalated quickly and got really really bad. In the nine years that I've known him I have never seen b so angry. At one point I couldn't take it any longer and I just lost it. I yelled at them to stop and started crying. (I'm not someone who cries very easily or frequently.) b stopped immediately and came over to comfort me. Boy, who was also witness to this ugliness, acted like the man he has become and firmly but gently told his inebriated grandmother to stop (because she wouldn't) and then took her outside to walk around the block. Afterwards I learned he made idle conversation to divert her attention and when she wanted to continue talking about the fight he told her she could do that the next day, when she was sober.

Afterwards we all went to bed but the house was tense for the rest of her visit. She apologized in the morning but everything she said made it obvious that she just doesn't get what she did. I know she doesn't realize the damage that she has caused to her relationship with all three of us. I've seen her do things like this my entire life but it was the first time b and Boy have really experienced it up close and personal.

[The small bit of good in this was seeing how my sweet, caring, anxious little boy has grown into a mature, sensitive, and tactful man. I often wonder where he came from and how I got lucky enough to be his mom. His behavior with her and his gallantry towards me that night were really quite impressive.]

b just called from work and asked me out on a date to our favorite date restaurant. I'm happy to put this week to bed and that it is ending on such a happy note.