On Happiness and Parenting

In the past two days I have run across this article referenced in a number of blogs and tweets.  It took 2 or 3 mentions to get me to read it and another 2 or 3 to get me to comment on it.  You may have to read it yourself to follow the rest of this post.  So go ahead.  I'll wait.

Now I've read several reactions to this article that endorse "helicopter-free" or "boosting emotional immunity" parenting.  Others are worried that they might be engaging in the obsessively positive parenting described in the article.  And I get the appeal of this article and of renouncing helicopter parenting, I really do.  There are sections of the article that ring very true to me, however (and you knew there had to be a big however) the underlying assumptions of the article are seriously flawed.

One problematic assumption is clearly demonstrated in the title.  Then in the first paragraph, the author (a therapist and mother) admits to being trained to see the problems of adulthood as being the fault of parents.  When she could not find evidence of poor parenting among her patients she (and it would appear the field of clinical psychology) decided that positive parenting is to blame.  Sounds like a damned if you do/damned if you don't scenario to me.

And while it is not explicitly said in the article, we are in fact speaking primarily of mothers.  Mother-blaming has been around for a very long time.  Perhaps as long as mothers have been around but I don't have the research to back that statement.

She claims the research shows parental fault to be the cause of adult neuroses (she does excuse mothers from the blame of schizophrenia) but that is because the research focuses on parental influence.  Science is not perfect and tends to find what it looks for.  I'm not saying that parents don't have a huge influence on their children's mental health, they obviously do, but there are many other influences that are not discussed.  There are also so-called parental influences, such as poverty or economic hardship, that most parents are not able to control.

In my own life, if I can get past what my mother and father did or didn't do, I can easily name significant people and events that have shaped my attitudes, behaviors, and sanity in adulthood. Other children stand out pretty big in my childhood.  For much of my elementary and middle school years, other children had a far bigger influence on my understanding of and expectations for happiness than either of my parents.  Teachers and camp counselors had a smaller but still significant effect.  As for the media, I blame Mary Tyler Moore and Rhoda for shaping my expectations on women's roles in society.

Enough with the mother-blaming.  Articles like this one are damaging because they refuse to acknowledge the larger context in which we all parent and helps further the never-ending "Mommy Wars."

The author has also bought into our societal messages on happiness and independence.  These are cultural constructs and not facts.  Not all cultures raise their children to be "productive, happy adults." Not all cultures expect to pursue happiness and certainly not all expect to obtain it 95% of the time. Some cultures accept emotions to be what they are: transient experiences.  Also not all cultures expect their children to leave the nest.  In some cultures children stay home or close to home and start their own families which then become extension of the original family.  Some cultures find it shocking that we expect our children to live away from the family in their early twenties.  Some of these cultures exist right here in America.

So who are the people portrayed in this article?  It is written to sound like this is happening all across America.  As if these behaviors can speak to all Americans.  In fact they do not.  Class and race are not considered in this article.  Too often our parenting advice is based on White, upper middle-class values and behaviors.  Class may be the biggest missing context in this article.  Protecting your children from unhappiness or misfortune looks a lot different among working-class families and different again among families living in poverty.

At the very end of the article the author admits that not all children are the same and implies that temperament may have something to do with how children respond to their upbringing.  In reviewing my own parenting behaviors (as this article practically forces you to do) I can see a lot of ways in which I protected Angel and weakened his emotional immune system.  However I also remember there were many opportunities to put his immune system to work.  He was a child capable of experiencing both great joy and great sorrow.  So far he has not required therapy as an adult.  He enjoys being happy but doesn't expect it to be a constant in his life.  Does that mean I was/am a good parent?  If he should require therapy in the future, would it mean I was a bad one?

Living In A Black And White World

Angel came home for a night. He leaves today to visit his dad before starting back at school. He's been with his friends for the past two weeks and is rejuvenated by the experience. He told me that he and his friends watched Fistful of Quarters. They really enjoyed it. He then proceeded to tell me the entire plot. If you haven't seen the film, it is about two grown men who are battling over bragging rights for highest score on Donkey Kong. It seems there are official rules and policies and committees that sanction the highest score. This documentary paints one of the men as good and the other as evil as well as highlights corruption in the gaming world. Angel and his friends ended up hating the evil man and fantasizing about visiting the restaurant he owns in Florida just to heckle and annoy him. Angel was aware that editing of a film can skew the story but had several reasons why he was sure this was not the case with this film.

I also heard the story of an RA who was unfairly monitoring one of his friends and accusing him of dorm violations that were innocuous (having candles burning in the room) and ratting on him to the powers-that-be without first approaching his friend to discuss said violations. Angel knew this RA in other circumstances and thought him a stand-up guy but now has lost complete respect for him. Of course the violations are all true and shortly after he told me this story he proceeded to describe how he and his new roommate have designed their room for optimal beer hiding.

I believe it is a developmental phenomenon that during your late teens-early twenties it is almost impossible to see shades of gray. Perhaps it is a sort of temporary color blindness. I'm not sure why it is necessary but it certainly makes sense that this is the age we send people to fight in wars. I find the same tendencies in Pumpkin and I remember being that way myself, so it is not gender-specific. This is not to say that they are incapable of seeing shades and texture, but rather that they are initially drawn to the black and white view. And while some people never outgrow the stage, I believe for most it ends by 25.

As a teacher I've seen it in both undergraduate and masters' level classes. It creates a challenge for introducing subjects such as gender, race, and class and how they intersect with my field. Most students want the easy answer. Most want to believe that it is all a matter of individual choice. Challenging them and pushing them to see situations from other perspectives is challenging for me. Using a socratic approach can help but you have to be really skilled not to let the argument boil down into dichotomies. However there are usually older students in both my graduate and undergraduate classes and this can help pull a more balanced discussion. But am I reaching the others? I don't really know.

As a parent it is even more challenging especially in the case of Angel, where I feel the relationship is already a little fragile. I've taken to injecting a possible alternative scenario once or at the most twice in a conversation and then letting it go. I feel its my duty as his mother to point out the shades of gray but I can't make him see them. If I try I believe I'll force him deeper into his black or white stance. And I remember all to well the anger I felt when told I was "going through a phase," so that approach is definitely out. Maybe one day he will recognize it and laugh about it with me as I have recently done with my mother.

Pumpkin Turns 21

Today is Pumpkin's birthday. She is 21 and legal. This is such a big deal for the younger crowd. Angel has been counting the days since he turned 18 and he still has over a year to go. It insults his sense of self that he is not allowed to order a beer in a bar. Personally I agree. In my day it was 18. At 18 you were allowed to vote, drink, marry and serve in the army. Today at 18 you can do all but drink. If the age limit in fact deterred DUIs I would agree with it, but it doesn't so I find it a stupid law. Worse, it seems to create this expectation that one MUST go out and get falling down drunk on the night you turn 21. I don't like falling down drunk. I don't like to do it and I don't like to see it. Perhaps the same thing was done back in my day, but by the time I turned 18 I had given up drinking (no worries, I rediscovered it in my mid-30s).

But today is Pumpkin's day. Last night she went out with friends and at midnight was able to buy herself a drink. It seems many people bought her drinks. This morning she and her boyfriend, BigB, came over for a birthday breakfast. Pumpkin was a little worse for the wear but BigB was not looking good at all. I made them raspberry pancakes and scrambled eggs. Unfortunately b--who is the breakfast guru--had to work, so the cooking was left up to me. Everything tasted lovely but the eggs did not sit well with BigB.

After breakfast they ran out (in the pouring rain) for Pumpkin's spa appointment. A spa day was BigB's birthday present to Pumpkin--because he's an excellent boyfriend--so she will spend the afternoon being pampered and fussed over. We'll be meeting up with them later tonight. Our plan is to take them to an upscale bar or two and show them the other way to drink--the kind that doesn't involve flavored shots or ping pong balls.

Tomorrow they leave for 3 weeks in Europe. This is Pumpkin's graduation present to herself. Neither have even been to Europe and they've never traveled together on an extended vacation. I believe they'll learn a lot--about themselves and their relationship.

Pumpkin came into my life when I really needed her. I needed a surrogate adult child that actually enjoyed being around me and wanted to hear what I had to say. I needed a child who could allow herself to be affectionate and express her feelings. She needed a mother-figure who was willing to put her first; who could see how special she is and love her unconditionally. We stumble over how to introduce each other; how to explain our relationship to others. I think the closest explanation is that we have emotionally adopted each other.

I'm proud of her--her maturity and her accomplishments--and I am awed by her spirit and her passion. Whatever we are to each other I hope it continues for the rest of my life.

On Raising Boys II

So last week I wrote about raising boys from the vantage point of letting them go. Today I read this post over at Mothers' For Women's Lib. In it msruthmoss, who is raising a 2 year old boy, questions how mothers do/can raise a boy to be a feminist. She, rightly in my book, recognizes that there is more at stake than raising a man who will do housework willingly and there is more to the process than encouraging "feminine" interests in your child. She questions exactly what influence does a mother have and how do we/should we wield that influence.

Having raised a boy, and one who considers himself a feminist, I thought it might be useful to talk about what I learned in the process. I did not consciously raise him to "be a feminist." Honestly that never occurred to me. I raised him in the values that I hold and those are feminist values. I also did not raise him to be "more like little girls," which is one suggestion msruthmoss has come across.

I did not disallow guns or games of war in my house while he was growing up. That would not have been possible in a household with two martial artists. Angel grew up with real swords and sticks and staffs in the house. Angel grew up in a dojo with people literally fighting over his head as he ran between their legs. Angel grew up with a physically and emotionally powerful man as his father; a man with the ultimate position of authority in a dojo. Angel grew up the son of a sensei. However, Angel also grew up seeing his mother and his aunt fighting and teaching men how to fight. But more importantly, Angel grew up learning what physical power does and doesn't mean and how it should be used--with great respect and humbleness. Angel grew up understanding the importance of NOT fighting and for men in our society I believe knowing how to fight and that you CAN fight goes along way in helping to deter pressure to fight and prove yourself. Angel, at 19, has yet to be in a fight outside of sparring in the dojo.

msruthmoss talks about male peer pressure and how this is a powerful influence on young boys. I agree with her that teaching your child to say no is essential and to do that properly you need to accept that you will be the main person they practice on. I believe in negotiating with children whenever possible. I think it teaches them to think of alternatives; to realize that power can be shared; and it gives them excellent verbal skills. However I don't see that as a gender issue. I think it is as critical for a girl as for a boy.

Peer pressure is not always overt. In fact, indirect peer pressure is far more insidious than direct. With indirect peer pressure there is no obvious point in which you say "no." In fact you need to make the moment and speak out against the unwritten, unspoken masculine influence. No one is going to ask you if you think date rape is ok--they're just going to make jokes or comments that create an atmosphere where it is acceptable. First you need to recognize, not just that date rape is rape and rape is wrong, but that the jokes and comments are wrong and harmful. You need to believe that by speaking up you can make a difference. Finally you need to be willing to speak up and risk ridicule, social isolation, or worse. That is a lot to expect from a young boy/man and, as a mother, I think we need to accept that they will fail at times. But they will come home with the stories.

As a mother I need to recognize that when Angel tells me a "story" it means he is conflicted about what happened and his part in it. And I need to help him process it. I also need to accept that he may reject what I believe is the "right" action--as a feminist--as a human.

After the age of 13, Angel no longer admitted to many of his emotions and he no longer cried. I had tried my best to allow him space for both of those actions as he was growing up but there came a point where outside influences on what it means to "be a man" in this society took over. Feminist boys need to learn how to live in a society that is not feminist. They need to feel they have a place and a role and currently we don't do a very good job of providing one for them. For Angel, recognizing that this safe space was taken from him; that society doesn't allow the emotions he admits he still has but keeps under wraps, has driven him to try to understand feminism as an adult.

Angel is a thin, young, white, heterosexual, biological male who identifies as a man. He is the exact description that Lesbian Dad describes as the mythical norm in this post. So when I speak of raising boys I need to acknowledge that I can only speak to raising a very specific type of boy and that many of these issues are probably vastly different for mothers raising boys of different races and sexual identities. Angel struggles to see his privilege. It is often a source of friction between the two of us. As I've written about before, we are both struggling with his need to separate from me and discussions of our individual interpretations of feminism and white privilege can get heated. It is hard for me to hear his view sometimes, but I believe I need to hear it; to argue it; but also to accept it as his view. I believe that is the only way we ever get change to occur.

I had many surprises in raising my son and I expect to have many more in the future. I was raised in an all-female household and knew very little about masculinity when I gave birth to him. One of my biggest surprises was the male capacity to nurture. I certainly saw this in Angel at a young age, but I was more surprised to see it in the teenage boys that would interact with him. Angel always sought the attention of older boys and men. Older men would interact with him in a very domineering way (i.e. taking his toy and then trying to get him to fight for it back) but the teen boys--even the roughest looking of them--were always gentle. Showing him what they were doing; teaching him things; empowering him and encouraging him. My sister hired a young man to babysit her boys when they were in elementary school and it was a wonderful experience for everyone involved. Now my younger nephew at 13 has a job babysitting a 6-year old boy. He is gentle and caring and takes his position very seriously. So for those who are raising boys I would advise enlisting the help of older boys in their care and then when your sons are old enough, allow them to care for younger boys. Let's give boys meaningful opportunities to experience and excel at the job of nurturing. Lets enlist the help of boys to raise boys.

The Work On The Work

I finished writing my annual review yesterday. At SouthLite we are supposed to tally up all of our "products" (research, teaching and service) for the year via a web-based system with an incredibly awkward interface and then write a "reflective" piece on each area. I was tempted to include my tenure packet as a manuscript. Honestly the amount of time I have spent on writing about my writing (and research and teaching and service) for the tenure packet, the teaching award application, and this annual review could easily equal two--maybe three--papers.

My friend, A-Girl, and I often commiserate on the "work-before-the-work," which is what we call all of the bureaucratic form-filling, back-scratching, somersault-turning shenanigans one has to go through within an institution before you can even start your research. I now see that academia has this on two fronts--the "work-before-the-work" and then the "work-on-the-work."

When do I just get to work?

All whining aside, my other revelation is that the academic year is very similar to the first year of mothering: you feel busy all the time, torn in multiple directions, don't get enough sleep, don't take very good care of yourself, feel like you are accomplishing a great feat if you manage to shower on a daily basis and at the end of the day there are very few tangible products--yet you can't imagine doing anything else.