The Holidays Have Begun

Even though I have to teach tomorrow, the holidays are officially here.

• Angel is home for the week. 
• I have baked cookies. 
• The food shopping is done.  
• My Christmas list is complete.

Life is good.

Maternal Desire

blue milk has re-posted one of her many fascinating posts.  In this one she discusses maternal desire and claims that it may be as hard to describe maternal desire to someone who hasn't experienced it as it is to describe sexual desire to someone with no libido. This statement brought me back to my very early twenties.

I remember being hit with the physical sensation of maternal desire at 22 or 23.  It was amazingly strong and oftentimes overwhelming.  At the time I likened it to both sexual desire and hunger pains only it was embodied in a different organ.  I felt desire in my uterus.  If you've never felt this than there is no explaining it but once it is there it is difficult to ignore.

I knew I would be a mother for as long as I can remember.  This was a fact I carried around with me the same way I embodied my gender.  I didn't play with dolls when I was young (although I had a large collection of stuffed animals) and I never was (and to this day am still not) much of a baby person.  I don't think all babies are cute or all children are precious.  I wasn't particularly interested in babysitting (except to raise some cash).  I never imagined my wedding or thought much about a husband.  But I knew I would be a mother someday in the future.

In my early twenties I was firmly established in a relationship and had just finished college.  The desire started slowly when I first became an aunt.  It was the first time I had a claim to a child.  I remember being fascinated by my niece (to be honest I remain fascinated by her today, she is extraordinary) in a way I had never been fascinated by a baby before.  In a year or two, the desire started to take hold and I noticed a physical sensation that could not be satisfied in any other way.

This desire propelled me to turn my established relationship into a marriage and, less than a year later, start an aggressive campaign to get pregnant (as is my way I couldn't just start trying, I had to make it a project).  Two months later I had achieved my goal.  Given the physicality of my desire, I assumed I would enjoy pregnancy.  I figured it would be similar to enjoying a good meal after you've fasted.  If I had thought that through I would have realized the error of my ways.  You barely notice food after a sustained hunger and you usually end up eating too much and feeling bloated and uncomfortable afterwards.  That was pretty much my experience with getting and being pregnant.

In an exceptionally blessed and privileged life, being Angel's mother has been the highlight.  Once he was born, I never felt that desire again.  I felt something vaguely similar when he left for college. Luckily I was able to recognize it for what it was: a physical desire to have HIM again, not any random baby.

These days I notice the urge for a grandchild is growing but those feelings are embodied in my arms.

RBOC: Can't Manage A Coherent Post Edition

• Day O"Advising is done and I couldn't be happier.  It went fine.  There were problems. Maybe they'll be fixed next time or maybe it can't be fixed.  I don't really care.  I'm just glad I don't have to advise anyone tomorrow.
• I seem to know a lot of people who are breaking up or have broken-up recently.  They are all women.  Most of them are doing/have done the breaking up.  In talking with them it brings back memories of leaving my ex.  The stories are all so similar.
• Angel is thinking about applying to this school. It looks very cool and very expensive. While the job placement rate is extremely high, it is not a degree-granting institution. That makes me nervous.
• Pumpkin is applying for a new job.  She has a job and feels guilty applying for another one.  The new job would be a better match for her interests but over the long run won't pay as well.  I think she is perfect for the new job but she just found out that a friend, who already has two graduate degrees and has worked for the organization previously, is also applying.  She is worried.  She sent her application in yesterday and today they scheduled an interview.  I am not so worried.
• The President visited SouthLite recently and worked out at my gym.  He was there early in the morning but b and I slept in that day.  Of course.
• Yesterday I finished grading all the papers in my possession.  Tomorrow I get a new set.
• The w and q on my keyboard have stopped working.  I will have to send my laptop away for 5 days to get it fixed. You don't realize how often you use the w until you can't do it any longer.  
• b wanted me to type "doubleu" and "cue" instead.  It would look something like this:  The doubleu and cue on my keyboard have stopped doubleuorking.  I doubluill have to send my laptop adoubleuay for 5 days to get it fixed.  You don't realize hodoubleu often you use the doubleu until you can't do it any longer.  I opted to attach an external keyboard instead.  You're welcome.

Angel's Fall Break

It is almost 9pm on Sunday night and Angel just left.  It has been a very very different fall break than the one I had planned.  I planned a replay of last year's fall break: me, b and Pupzilla spending a week on the beach.  I imagined it sunny but not too warm.  I imagined b cooking delicious dinners while I did a little grading.  I imagined yoga in my room, long walks (maybe a few runs) on the beach and an occasional swim.

What I got was a deluge of rain here in SouthLite, no beach, and over four days of nonstop grading. By the time grading and my official fall break was over, Angel's was just beginning.  As I mentioned recently, Angel has a very different relationship with my home this semester.  It is actually the relationship I thought he would have three years ago when he first went to college.  He not only decided to spend his entire fall break at our house but he had to bring one of his best friends (and roommate).

The friend is a great guy.  At 6'5", he is a taller version of Angel.  He is sensitive, sweet and sarcastic.  He is incredibly polite and appreciative.  He and Angel spent the entire break sitting with me at my kitchen table doing homework and talking.  They are very funny together.  Their work is constantly interrupted by media: sharing youtube and hulu videos, repeating favorite lines from favorite comedians,  naming the melody and composer of movie soundtracks, and watching videogame tournaments.  I'm not sure how they actually get any work done.

I sat with them doing my own work and answering questions about graduate school applications, research methodology, and paper writing.  They showed me all of their favorite Portlandia episodes (if you haven't seen them, they are quite funny).  When I wasn't sitting I was up cooking, baking or cleaning up.  They eat a lot those two young men.

We had a great time with them.  b had some quality time swapping comedic routines and media references with them and actually did the bulk of the cooking and baking.  They were supposed to leave early (or their version of early) this morning and I had planned a recovery day for myself.  Now it is 9 o'clock and my week starts tomorrow.  Angel's parting words included "I'll be back in two weeks."  I think I may need to rest up.

Angel's Senior Year

It is hard to believe but Angel is a senior in college and will be graduating next May.  When he was a senior in high school I was prepared for a change in his behavior and in our relationship.  From what I had heard, senior year was when he would begin to pull away and there would be some negative behavior/interactions around that process.  It didn't happen.  It didn't happen during the gap year that followed either.

What did happen (for those of you who didn't live through it with me) was he pretty much disappeared the day he went to college.  We barely heard from him (when we did it was because he needed help) and he rarely came home.  In fact he didn't even make it home for Christmas (or the entire winter break) his first year.  He did come home that first summer but it wasn't a happy time for any of us.

At the end of his sophomore year he moved out of the dorms and into his own place.  This was a great move and for the past year and a half we have had a nice but not terribly close relationship. We occasionally visit him and he comes here on holidays.  We communicate by phone, email, and text. Three quarters of the time we hear from him because he needs help (mostly money) but there are some conversations that are purely for enjoyment.  I can't say I love it but I'm used to it.  I miss him but I'm used to missing him.

This year is a little different.  He is coming up to see us for fall break.  He was up a few weeks ago and tried to come up last week.  He and I have had a couple of multiple-hour phone calls and I hear from him several times a week.  He has also been calling and relying on his father more than ever before. Most of this renewed attention is because he needs help accomplishing some big tasks this year.  He has a research project for his capstone course and he's been picking my brain on methodology.  He is also looking into graduate school and preparing for a cross-country bike ride that includes fund-raising for a worthy cause.

He told me he likes to come here for the weekend because it is quiet, he gets a lot of work done, he saves money and he has a good time.  The last part surprised me a bit.

He is anxious.  Finishing college is a big step (and particularly scary in the current economic condition).  I think part of him is ready to be done and the other part thinks he's not ready for the world.  He really wants to be ready.  He's making a big push to get himself there this year.  What is interesting is that in pushing forward he has begun to reach back.

I expected the adolescent years to be the push/pull of dependence and independence but it seems there is a fair amount of it happening in the young adult years.  I remember being on my own at his age.  My family was not in a position to provide a safety net in case I couldn't make it or a safe haven for when I was feeling anxious and overwhelmed.  I'm happy to be able to do that for him and I'm enjoying his company while I have it. 

In Which We Don't Go To The Beach

This morning we pulled the plug on the beach vacation.  We had been iffy on the financial prudence of the trip from the beginning and there was more than a little threat of rain for the entire time we would be there (of course now the forecast is changing).  I am fine with the decision and am hoping we can make it happen for spring break.  b, I think, is sadder.

So there is still tons of grading in front of me but also a full week of not having a reason to go into the office. We will make plans as the days go by.  Angel and a friend may come up at the end of the week for their fall break.

I spent several hours grading the first set of undergraduate papers today.  It was painful.  I know grading is always abhorrent and our students have serious writing deficits but this was particularly painful.  I tried a new assignment and it was really bad.  I think it could eventually be a good (and important) assignment but this version is quite bad.  So I am stuck figuring out grades that are fair for their lack of ability and effort but also fair for the poor quality of the assignment.

One of the (several) reasons why the assignment was bad is that it depended on peer reviews.  I believe (strongly) in draft writing for my students.  If I don't force them to write in drafts they will hand in what they wrote the night before.  With almost 50 students I can't provide feedback and grade drafts.  In fact just grading the final product is going to take upwards of three days (again, partly my own fault because of the suckitude of the assignment).  Most (if not all) of my colleagues do not give written assignments for classes of 50 and above.  So I thought I'd compromise and give one small assignment in two drafts with peer reviewers providing feedback between the drafts.  The problem with the plan is that the students don't know how to write and therefore most don't provide adequate feedback.  In fact some give quite wrong feedback.

Students, in general, don't understand the meaning of revision.  In most cases I'm finding very little difference between draft one and draft two and some very complimentary peer reviews (they have to hand the whole packet in: original, peer review and final).  So as I am reading the final products I am realizing I needed to provide several lessons: (1) on the original assignment idea (which focused on reading in my discipline); (2) on writing; (3) on giving a peer review; and (4) on revising.  None of this, of course, is possible in the time I have to teach the course content.

As found in many other universities, we have a policy for integrating writing across the curriculum. This means teaching writing isn't supposed to only happen in students' general education requirements, such as English, but instead should happen in their major as well.  The current policy has every major offering a course that focuses on writing and that course is supposed to be capped at a certain size (certainly not 50).  My course is not the course.  My course isn't even a required course in the major.  But I believe in writing so there is a lot of writing in my course but this is the only assignment that provides feedback on writing.

The problem is enrollment has increased dramatically and it is difficult for some departments (including mine) to cover these writing courses for all their majors.  The university is trying to come up with a new system but the current suggestion, in my opinion, doesn't solve the problem.  However it will probably hide it.

I believe students should graduate college knowing how to write clearly; how to organize and present their thoughts in a written format.  I know they won't learn that (a) in one or two courses only and (b) without getting feedback between drafts.  I also believe their reading comprehension and critical thinking skills should increase from their college experience.  I believe writing helps there too. This assignment has done none of the above.

I am amazed when I read Angel's drafts, not because they are perfect but because I know where his writing was in high school.  I also see the connection between his ability to think and analyze text and his increasing ability to write.  I want the same for my students.  Unfortunately in the current climate it makes more sense for me to drop the assignment completely than to make it a useful one.

High Culture

I've been enjoying the cultural life here in SouthLite.   We have a great little theatre and b and I try to go once a season.  Last week we went to see their rendition of Dial M For Murder.  It was quite fun. We also have a historic film theatre that now shows classics as well as live performances.  It was the place where I discovered Ruthie Foster.  More recently we stopped in for a showing of Singing in the Rain.

Tonight I went with a colleague to the theatre at my university.  I had never been before.  I had heard that our theatre and music departments were excellent so I as looking forward to the evening.  They did a steam punk-inspired version of ThreePenny Opera. I had never seen the show before.  I was impressed with both the show and the performances.  Who knew that was where Mack the Knife came from?

This weekend Angel is coming up for a visit.  We're hoping to take him to a two man play in the local cabaret.  One of the two men is a friend of ours and I've been told he does half the play in drag.  Next month Angel is coming up to see Lewis Black with us and then we have a staged version of A Christmas Carol to look forward to in December.

Ironically I see more theatre and live music here than I ever did in The City of Pizza and Bagels.

Family Festivities

Last weekend we headed north, to the City of Sisterly Love, for my sister C's wedding.  As you may (or may not) remember, C and K (her betrothed) had asked me to officiate.  After only a smidgeon of web-based fanfare, I became the Reverend Doctor Brigindo.

Friday afternoon I headed south to pick up Angel.  Unfortunately I did not fully grasp the particulars of Labor Day Weekend traffic on a Friday afternoon and the trip time doubled in length.  It was well worth the stop-and-go because I got quality time with Angel all weekend long.  We've always been a family that travelled together well and road trips are a particular favorite.

In between all the traveling, Angel was picking out a road bike for The Journey of Hope ride that he wants to complete this summer.  Saturday morning was for test riding the bikes and then we all hopped in the car for the 8-hour drive.  Driving with Angel necessitates more food stops than driving with just b.

We reached our destination, checked into our fabulous hotel, and promptly went out for more food. The next morning I walked through the old section of the city snapping photos.

I am not a wedding person but this one was truly perfect.  It took place late Sunday afternoon in a beautiful historic townhouse.  It was a small, intimate affair with around 50 guests.  The bride was stunning in a champagne dress.  It was mostly a homegrown wedding.  The bride's daughter was her Maid of Honor and also arranged the centerpieces.  Our 10 year old niece was one of the bridesmaids, as was the daughter of my sister's good friend.  Our nephew was the ring bearer and K's niece was the flower girl.  K had both his sons standing beside him as Best Men.  One of his son's read a selection from The Odyssey and the other was taking pictures throughout the day.  Both mothers selected and read poems.  In addition to K's son, both my niece's friend and b served as photographers.

As for my role as officiant, I feel I filled it well.  I dressed all in black (black dress with long coat and I even wore heels for the occasion) and read from my iPad.  C & K had given me general guidelines on what to say but left how to say it to my judgement.  I think I hit the mark.

After the ceremony, there was much chatting and catching up.  I spent the evening with my sisters and my grown niece and nephews.  It is amazing to see them all now as adults: still adorable but a lot more sophisticated in both their humor and their thoughts.  The grown nieces and nephews went out bar-hopping afterwards and the rest of us hung out in a hotel room, gossiping and analyzing as we like to do.

The next morning we picked up C's old car that she was donating to Angel and drove back south with Angel following us.  When we finally reached SouthLite, we headed straight to the store for Angel to get his bike properly "fitted."  He drove his bike home in his new old car and b and I went straight to bed.

RBOC: Observations on "Me Time" Edition

• It is really hot here in SouthLite.  Even when they say it's not going to be that hot, it is that hot.  "Me Time" would be a lot more fun if going outside didn't feel so bad.
• I find myself making simpler meals and eating fewer times a day.  Pupzilla is not happy with the lack of  scraps. She barks at me to get cooking.  
• Workouts always put me in a better mood and they give me a reason to leave the house. However it is really hard to convince myself of this fact when I wake up in the morning. Yoga classes help, as they have a specific schedule.
• Much of the work that I have to do this month is in the very disheartening reading, researching and thinking phase.  It is a critical phase but always feels so unproductive when I'm in it.  The only other work is dreary administrative work.  
• I'm taking the Essentials Photoshop Course over here.  It just started this week and was supposed to be  one of the more entertaining activities for the month (since I liked the SkinnyMini so much).  It is a helpful course but we are going pretty slow and the entertainment factor is low at the moment.
• I'm watching a lot of Homicide: Life on the Streets.  How I love Andre Braugher. 
• Angel is UpNorth visiting his dad; Pumpkin and BB are visiting distant countries where the sun never truly sets; and b has made it to The Last Frontier.
• b has been texting me, whenever cell service is available, throughout his journey.  He puts into the water in 2 days and there will be no more correspondence (except for daily emails from the Spot Locator letting me know he's ok) until he is done.

On Happiness and Parenting

In the past two days I have run across this article referenced in a number of blogs and tweets.  It took 2 or 3 mentions to get me to read it and another 2 or 3 to get me to comment on it.  You may have to read it yourself to follow the rest of this post.  So go ahead.  I'll wait.

Now I've read several reactions to this article that endorse "helicopter-free" or "boosting emotional immunity" parenting.  Others are worried that they might be engaging in the obsessively positive parenting described in the article.  And I get the appeal of this article and of renouncing helicopter parenting, I really do.  There are sections of the article that ring very true to me, however (and you knew there had to be a big however) the underlying assumptions of the article are seriously flawed.

One problematic assumption is clearly demonstrated in the title.  Then in the first paragraph, the author (a therapist and mother) admits to being trained to see the problems of adulthood as being the fault of parents.  When she could not find evidence of poor parenting among her patients she (and it would appear the field of clinical psychology) decided that positive parenting is to blame.  Sounds like a damned if you do/damned if you don't scenario to me.

And while it is not explicitly said in the article, we are in fact speaking primarily of mothers.  Mother-blaming has been around for a very long time.  Perhaps as long as mothers have been around but I don't have the research to back that statement.

She claims the research shows parental fault to be the cause of adult neuroses (she does excuse mothers from the blame of schizophrenia) but that is because the research focuses on parental influence.  Science is not perfect and tends to find what it looks for.  I'm not saying that parents don't have a huge influence on their children's mental health, they obviously do, but there are many other influences that are not discussed.  There are also so-called parental influences, such as poverty or economic hardship, that most parents are not able to control.

In my own life, if I can get past what my mother and father did or didn't do, I can easily name significant people and events that have shaped my attitudes, behaviors, and sanity in adulthood. Other children stand out pretty big in my childhood.  For much of my elementary and middle school years, other children had a far bigger influence on my understanding of and expectations for happiness than either of my parents.  Teachers and camp counselors had a smaller but still significant effect.  As for the media, I blame Mary Tyler Moore and Rhoda for shaping my expectations on women's roles in society.

Enough with the mother-blaming.  Articles like this one are damaging because they refuse to acknowledge the larger context in which we all parent and helps further the never-ending "Mommy Wars."

The author has also bought into our societal messages on happiness and independence.  These are cultural constructs and not facts.  Not all cultures raise their children to be "productive, happy adults." Not all cultures expect to pursue happiness and certainly not all expect to obtain it 95% of the time. Some cultures accept emotions to be what they are: transient experiences.  Also not all cultures expect their children to leave the nest.  In some cultures children stay home or close to home and start their own families which then become extension of the original family.  Some cultures find it shocking that we expect our children to live away from the family in their early twenties.  Some of these cultures exist right here in America.

So who are the people portrayed in this article?  It is written to sound like this is happening all across America.  As if these behaviors can speak to all Americans.  In fact they do not.  Class and race are not considered in this article.  Too often our parenting advice is based on White, upper middle-class values and behaviors.  Class may be the biggest missing context in this article.  Protecting your children from unhappiness or misfortune looks a lot different among working-class families and different again among families living in poverty.

At the very end of the article the author admits that not all children are the same and implies that temperament may have something to do with how children respond to their upbringing.  In reviewing my own parenting behaviors (as this article practically forces you to do) I can see a lot of ways in which I protected Angel and weakened his emotional immune system.  However I also remember there were many opportunities to put his immune system to work.  He was a child capable of experiencing both great joy and great sorrow.  So far he has not required therapy as an adult.  He enjoys being happy but doesn't expect it to be a constant in his life.  Does that mean I was/am a good parent?  If he should require therapy in the future, would it mean I was a bad one?

At The Hospital

It's 3:40am and I'm in labor & delivery waiting on a baby.

Yesterday I was at a wedding in the mountains.

The day before that I was eating in my favorite restaurant with b and Angel.

Crazy weekend.

Ten Random Things I Love About My Son

1. He loves to walk.  Even though he couldn't wait to get his license and loves to drive, he still really prefers to walk somewhere if he can.
2. His beautiful blue eyes.
3. He loves animals and treats them with respect and care.  My animals all flock to him (especially The Brute) when he comes for a visit.
4. He loves to learn and years of bad school experiences hasn't beaten it out of him.
5. He is exceptionally self-aware.  The masculine world requires him to hide his sensitive nature but he never loses touch with it. 
6. He strives to be "an ethical man."
7. He is only interested in dating women who are strong, intelligent, independent and "a good conversationalist."
8. He is an amazing travel companion.
9. I can talk with him for hours and never get bored.
10. He calls me "mama bear."

Traditions

I'm not really big on traditions.  Most of the ones I keep are around Christmas.  Some are from my childhood and others are new traditions that have been created in my life with Angel and others in my life with b.

Angel is rather like me.  There are only a few traditions he treasures and most seem to be around Christmas.  I was amazed when he gave up on Easter so early.  He was somewhere around the early to mid-teen years when he decided a basket was no longer in order.  We haven't celebrated the holiday since.

Therefore I didn't really expect a brand new tradition to pop-up once he went away to college.  But it seems I should have.  Last night was our annual "drunk-dial your mother" event. It started his freshman year by accident.  There seems to be an actual fraternity event during the last week of classes that involves everyone drinking themselves disgusting (surprising, I know).  Since the first year's drunken profession of his undying love and gratitude went so well, he decided to make it a tradition.

When his sophomore year came to an end he had his friends chime in.  Not only did I have my son's admiration and respect but that year several of his friends loved me because I created and raised Angel.

Last night b and I had just turned out the lights and settled in to sleep.  I had a migraine.  When the phone rang I answered it because it was Angel.  He sounded surprisingly sober at first so it took me a minute to realize what was going on.  The call got dropped twice throughout the process but I managed to hear more declarations of love from Angel and friends.  It seems they all feel they know me because he talks about me so much.

Angel texted this morning to ask if we had a good conversation last night.  He has another event tonight that required a new shirt and tie.  I've been told the drinking will be minimal and I'll get to see pictures.

I really don't understand young men.

RBOC: Things On My Mind Edition

• Ruth recently posted about coming up against the blogging wall.  She's been blogging for 3 1/2 years and this is the first time she asked the question "why?"  I commented that I was amazed it took this long since I seem to go through it at least once a year.  Currently I'm not asking myself why? but rather why not?  Why am I not posting?  I have ideas.  I procrastinate in other ways.  What is keeping me from writing here?
• In the early years, our children have many developmental milestones.  As parents we are always proud but as they age the opportunity for milestone pride grows increasingly rare. This week I was very proud at my son's first use of the term "hegemonic" in an email. 
• b is the King of Smoothies.  He makes them at night and it always a surprise what is in there. Tonight he claimed it was "brie, bacon and sun-dried tomato" but I knew we didn't have bacon in the house.  He then said they were "Black Death" smoothies.  Whatever it is, it's delicious.
• Blogger has a new gizmo that allows you to create a book from your blog.  I played around with it (but didn't lay down any cash).  One of the nice aspects is that you can choose posts from specific labels.  It was fun to see posts I'd written years ago cataloged by content. Sadly, I realized that my posts have deteriorated in this past year.  I blame tenure and photography. 
• I think yoga is affecting my personality.  Today in class I truly loved my toes.  I was also not only more than happy to appreciate the body I was in but to appreciate my time on this earth. It's going to be an interesting summer.

RBOC: Procrastination Edition

• I have had several serious posts in my head all week but no time to write them.  Today I seem to be doing everything possible to avoid grading the second half of a stack of student papers.  The result is an RBOC post.
• Last night I heard both sad and bad news for other people.  There is nothing I can do about the news except listen.
• The Brute has taken to peeing in Pupzilla's food bowl.  Yesterday he did it while her leftover breakfast still in it.  
• This afternoon I met with my latest doula-mom and her husband.  They are very cute and sweet and made me an incredibly delicious lunch with fresh baked buns and pie!
• I have plans for this to be the Summer of Yoga.  I cannot wait for the semester to end.
• I have developed a "bad attitude" towards work.  The trip to Emerald City did wonders for my mood but my attitude hasn't budged a bit from "evil."
• We have a faculty meeting this week and I'm going to try my best to keep my mouth shut and my evil attitude tucked safely inside.
• b was away doing a training this weekend.  The training happened to be in the same city that Angel lives in, so they met for dinner tonight.  I wish I was there.
• Smudge has taken up residence under the covers on my side of the bed.  Sleeping with a nose full of cat hair is no fun indeed.
• After days of thunderstorms, some spring weather showed up this afternoon.  I spent it sitting on my back patio looking up birthing videos (yeah, I know how to have fun).  
• As nice as it is in my backyard, I really enjoy the evening sun at the front of the house. 

Looking in the kitchen window

Looking out the kitchen window

What I Did On My Spring Break Or The Spring Break That Wasn't

Today is the last day of my spring break.  I am not happy about this.  It is made worse by today being Daylight Savings and I've lost an hour.  Normally I either spend spring break on vacation (which means I come back rested but behind in my work) or I spend it working (which means I'm caught up--if not ahead--but tired).  This year I opted for the latter.  Unfortunately, in spite of working every single day (including both weekends) I am not caught up.  I may, in fact, be more behind than before.

It seems no one took spring break off and instead they all decided to generate work (and aggravation) that they sent to me throughout the break.  There were meetings, there were phone calls, there were emergency requests, there were large documents and they were all directed my way.  I am not happy.  I am in fact done.  Done with this semester, done with this academic year, done with drama, done with other people's agendas and petty squabbles.  It has not been pretty and it is quite likely to get uglier yet.  Luckily I did spend considerable time at the gym and took multiple tai chi and yoga classes. Therefore I am steadfast in my resolve to stay out of the fray, live in the moment, and do only what can be done.

b is traveling most weekends this spring, leaving me to my own devices.  Friday I drove down to see Angel.  His spring break was just starting and he had plans to go backpacking with friends.  I brought down a backpack, sleeping bag, and water bottles.  I also had a ton of kitchen items from friends that I thought he might want.  We had lunch and then took a walk along a greenway that was just completed behind his house.  He uses it frequently as a running path but that day we just walked it.  I love that Angel loves to walk.  It is his preferred method of transportation, as it is mine, and some of our best talks happen when we walk together.  Friday was no exception.

Today was the most beautiful day of the week.  Unfortunately I forgot about Daylight Savings Time and slept too late to make it to my yoga class.  Instead I quickly settled into a large pot of coffee and grading.  As the day wore on I didn't want to lose it completely and decided to take a bike ride.

This was my first bike ride of the season and from my new house.  I found an easy path to the nearest park.  There are plenty of biking paths in the park and I had a wonderful time.  There was a reenactment of the Revolutionary War going on throughout the park.  Between that and the beautiful day, it was quite crowded.  I'm not a big war buff or reenactment fan, so I didn't stop to take pictures.  However on the way back I passed an open cemetery.  I am a big fan of cemeteries, so I wandered around and took a few photos.  

Now it is back to grading and preparing for the week I have ahead of me.  

Family Arrangements

For some reason (perhaps it was all the wedding and marriage talk going on around here) I recently realized that I am the only person in my family to have (technically) gotten divorced.  My mother did leave my father when I was seven but never bothered to make it legal.  She had no intention of marrying again (and although she has had several long term relationships, she hasn't remarried to this date) and then he died nine years later.  This left her a widow, something she didn't realize until she started collecting social security many years later.  As luck would have it, by not filing for divorce she now has bigger monthly checks.

Neither of my grandparents divorced or separated (although one pair probably should have) and none of my sisters have gotten a divorce.  So currently, I stand alone (and hope I remain that way, of course).

Today I ran across these statistics on step-families.  It made me realize, all over again, that I don't have any step-family members.  I did have a step-son during my first marriage but since that marriage is dissolved the relationship no longer exists (legally or emotionally; he is also my age so it never felt like a stepmother-son relationship, more like an incredibly awkward and inappropriate sibling relationship).  Angel has two step-parents, a biological half-brother, an adopted half-brother, and a step-sister.  b, of course, has a step-son but no other step-relatives as his parents never divorced either.  However his brother has twice, so that must make up for something.  Pumpkin takes the cake.  She has an adopted father, step-mother, one biological half-sister, and six other siblings that have no biological ties to her but are some form of half-step-adopted sibling.  (No one outside of the family can actually keep track of them all).  Now she also has me and b as emotionally-adopted parents.*

Of course, as the data show, these arrangements are all fairly frequent these days and will probably continue to grow.  What I find strange is that my family-of-origin appears so conservative when it comes to family configurations.  It is not like I have some la-de-da happy childhood to thank for it. In fact one could say that we took the 'fun' right out of dysfunctional when it came to family togetherness. So what is missing from this equation?  Unmarried partnerships.  We've had several of those in my family.  I wonder where they get figured into the data.

A major problem with doing research with families (as I do) is figuring out how to define a family. This becomes even harder when you consider the impact of time, as families change frequently. We decide within our families who we consider to be a family member and even then we may not all agree.  I found it interesting that Pew made the connection with obligations.  I tend to see it the other way around.  Those I consider myself obligated to, those I have chosen to be responsible for and to allow to be responsible for me, are my family members.  Blood and legal documents seem so much less significant.

*Pumpkin called as I was finishing up this post to invite us to an engagement party with both her and BB's parents.  We started talking about the post and she asked where in-laws fit in (no surprise since in-laws are very much on her mind these days).  It was a good question but probably deserving of its own post. 

Blogaversary

Today is my three-year blogaversary.  It is hard to believe I've been at this for 3 years but it is a fact. The week between Christmas and New Years is usually a time of rest for me and I often start new projects to keep me occupied.  I started the blog not sure if it would survive the new year but it seems it has twice over.

I don't get a rest week this year because we are moving on the 29th.  Today the tree was undone and the decorations packed.  Most of my books are packed and about half of my clothes.  The kitchen is still completely unpacked.

Books are probably my most plentiful possession.  I purged as many as I could and traded them in at the local used bookstore.  I now have a $32 credit awaiting me.  However I also just got an iPad (through a grant at work--not Santa) and have discovered free ebooks.  I can get just about any classic for free and have been rereading my way through Jane Austin (started with Emma; am almost done with Mansfield Park; Sense & Sensibility is on deck).  I think I might reread Henry James next.  I'm enjoying the iPad experience.  It is different from flesh-and-blood books and definitely doesn't take their place but is definitely I nice addition to my reading pleasure.

In the comments, Ruth said it seemed like I wasn't going crazy with this move and I'm not.  b, Angel and I are all minimalists so packing is usually not a big hassle.  This time around, with Angel already moved out, I am realizing how much more of a minimalist b is than I.  He probably has 1 box to my 2. The other reason I'm not crazy is because I'm still a New Yorker at heart.  I was raised to move.  In NYC you are always looking for a better apartment.  I believe the longest I've lived anywhere is 6 years.

In other news, Angel was supposed to fly up to see his father today but because of the blizzard the airports were all closed.  They didn't officially cancel his flight until about an hour before we were going to head to the airport.  By that time they were so backed up the earliest flight they could offer him was Friday afternoon (that would be New Year's Eve).  He is not at all happy with this situation.  Many of his friends up in that area for the week and he was looking forward to getting away from parents and hanging out with people his own age.  However his bad news is our gain. We get 4 more days with him and he'll be around to help with the move!

RBOC: All That's Left Is The Baking Edition

• It's been a busy week.  Next week will be twice as busy but for the next two days it is nothing but holiday cheer.  
• Presents have been wrapped (well except for Pupzilla's); the tree trimmed; menus planned; and the house is stocked with food and drink.  
• Angel has been home for the past two days and will be with us until Monday.  
• I've been doing double-duty at the gym this week: once with b and then again with Angel.  
• Today I took a tai chi class and a yoga class.  I feel very mellow.
• Pumpkin and BB came over last night to celebrate with us.  I made them chicken marsala and raspberry buttermilk cake.  They are off to Minnesota tomorrow morning to spend Christmas with Pumpkin's grandmother.
• Tomorrow I will spend most of the day making cinnamon buns for Christmas morning.  It is a long process but totally worth it.  I only make them once a year so they are a very special event. 
• I am waiting for b to come home from a late shift.  Once he is home the festivities can begin.

Hope you all have a wonderful holiday, if in fact this weekend brings a holiday that you celebrate.

Twenty-One