Some Days I Wonder...

...will I ever stop missing him?

And then I wonder....

....would not missing him be worse?

Desperate Academics

Academic did a lovely job hosting Scientiae Carnival this month. The theme was Inspiration or Desperation and, while there seemed to be fewer entries this month than some others, they are all great posts. However, as Academic noted, most of the posts were of the Desperation variety. This both saddens me and makes me think. Are academics a desperate lot? I can think of several possible answers:

1. Yes, academia is a stressful work environment where faculty are asked to produce too much, in too little time, for too few dollars and the stakes are incredibly high (i.e. unemployment) if you don't deliver;
2. No, academia is no more stressful than other work environments however there are particularly stressful times of the year and September is one of them (possibly one reason there were fewer entries is no one has time right now to post);
3. Yes and No, academia is more stressful for some people than others--particularly women of a certain age trying to balance their passion for their work with personal and societal expectations of womanhood.

I am sure there are other possible answers but these are the ones that come to my mind. It saddens me that academia is seen--by women--as a place of desperation and not inspiration. I believe most people come into academia because they were inspired--by a teacher or some other introduction to their field. I believe academics start out full of passion (albeit a nerdy passion) and optimism and yet are quickly brought down. Most of the entries were written by students, post-docs and/or junior faculty. Of course it is not just in this carnival that we see the desperation but rather it is a daily theme across the women found in the academic section of the blogosphere.

There is good cause for women, especially women in the hard sciences, to feel this desperation. In spite of all the advances in our society, achieving the standard measures of success in academia is harder for women. In addition, although our definitions of fathering is slowly changing, for the majority of women the responsibilities of home and hearth fall squarely on their shoulders. Many students have a naive belief that academia--with its flexible schedule and summers off--offers the ability to balance home life with a career. It doesn't take long for that myth to be shattered.

Having said all of that, I do need to add that I love my job. My work life inspires me on a daily basis. Yes the years I balanced graduate school, work, publishing, Angel, my husband, paying the rent, and living a healthy lifestyle were incredibly hard and--at times--desperate. And even now, with Angel out of the house and a very healthy tenure packet submitted, I still struggle to balance time with b, time with myself, time to exercise, and time spent working. For the most part time spent working wins out. This is not because the demands of work are so high (although they are) but because my work is what I love to do. If my work did not sustain my soul I would find another job--one that pays a reasonable salary for the level of effort it demands and actually pays me for the full-time work I do every summer.

But where else am I going to find employment that rewards me for reading and writing and thinking and talking about the ideas that have filled my head since I was a child? Where else can I be surrounded (both physically and virtually) by colleagues that produce research and share concepts that fascinate me? Where else would my nerd-dom be not only welcomed but celebrated? Where else could I share my passions with younger, less experienced, but fresher minds? What other job would give me a front row seat to see these young minds and lives bloom?

Academia is where I belong--at least for now. If I leave, I don't believe it will be from desperation but rather from a new inspiration.

Inspiring Faces

Snow Leopard was released last Friday and b, who is crazy for all things Mac, picked us up a family copy that afternoon. Now this latest operating system doesn't have a whole lot of fancy bells and whistles for the user (actually since installing it I've lost my ability to print at the office)--although it does take up considerably less hard drive space than Leopard and that's always a plus--but the install forced me to reconsider my screensaver.

Both my work and home offices have nice large screens and, since my computer is always on in one of those places, my screensaver becomes a pretty important visual accompaniment to my thoughts. Previously my screensaver pulled random pictures of my family from one of my files and threw them willy-nilly on my desktop. This was a comforting backdrop to my academic world.

I have another file of author photos from my favorite writers. They are all women and many are in their "later years." I love looking at older women's faces--those that are "real" and not sculpted or botoxed--so these images inspire me with their natural beauty, their strength, and their wisdom. They also are a continual reminder--as I slave over scientific jargon--that there is another world out there; a world of words that sing while they tell truth. I thought I'd share some of the faces that are now inspiring me on a daily basis:

Ursula K Le Guin...of course


Probably my favorite image of Virginia Woolf


Toni Morrison...one of my all time favorite author photos (and authors)


Anne Carson...another favorite author photo


Maxine Hong Kingston...absolutely stunning


Adrienne Rich...I dream of growing old this gracefully


Jamaica Kincaid...I love her expression in this photo


Sharon Olds...as beautiful as her poems


Octavia Butler...the world is a poorer place without her in it

Random Observations...

...from the second week into the semester.

• My campus has gotten smaller. I used to be able to take a nice long walk across campus to get a cup of coffee without seeing anyone I knew (except maybe to nod at). Now I can't go three steps without running into a colleague/former student/current student and getting engaged in conversation.
• The campus is overrun with students. Seriously its like an infestation: they're everywhere. Enrollment has skyrocketed and we have no place to put them.
• When someone says "I'm not just saying this to make you feel better"--they really are. Similarly when someone says "There's no hidden agenda"--there probably is.
• I really dislike the phrase "work-life balance" because it implies that my work is not part of my life. Its not all of my life but it is a big part of it. Why can't we just work towards a balanced life?
• Faculty who study women and gender issues need to add a lot of big words to a sentence before they can feel comfortable with it. They also congratulate each other for engaging in long philosophical conversations at faculty meetings.
• When colleagues tell me my tenure review is going to be a "slamdunk" or "a walk in the park" or "over in 5 minutes" it makes me uncomfortable. Also I'm not sure what to say in return and the "I hope so" that has been coming out of my mouth sounds really lame.
• Most students are really eager to please as long as you show them how.
• On one of my across campus coffee outings I overheard the following "I really want to be a stay-at-home mom, I just don't want to have kids."

Back In The Fray

The first week of classes is over and I must say it felt like a long one. The really good news is that someone has dropped a bit of funding into my lap. My university has a faculty training grant that supports research directly related to my area. The grant was written the year before I came to SouthLite so I was not able to be included. However this year there is some extra money so they were looking for a junior faculty member (this is the last year I can claim that title) to fund and found me.

What does it mean, you ask? I will have 30% of my salary funded this year; 15-20 hours of an RA to help me with grants; and access to statistical and grant/paper writing consultants. Basically whatever help I need getting grants written and out (short of writing them for me) will be supported by this program. Pretty cool, eh? The salary funding means I will only have to teach one course next semester.

I also get an RA from my department because I'm still junior faculty. On top of that I have 2 undergraduate research assistant this semester from internal grants that the students and I wrote last year (our university has a really great program for funding undergraduate research, which is one of the things I love about being here). So I have A LOT of paid help from students this year. This is great but also not-so-great as it means a lot of training and supervision on my part. There is a real trade-off when working with students and it can be hard to find the right balance. Next week starts the meetings with my various student teams so I'll have a better sense of how the balance will work this semester.

I'm teaching two classes this semester: one undergraduate and one doctoral. I was really excited about the undergraduate class over the summer but after the first week I'm beginning to have some doubts. I taught it last year for the first time and it took a lot of prep time. This year I've changed it a bit but mostly to make it easier on me. It also happens that my department is also offering the same course (an elective) online. As I watched the numbers over the summer, it seemed the online course was filling up and my course was at a nice reasonable size (about two thirds full). My theory was that the students who were just looking for an easy elective were opting for the online course (most students feel they are easier; this is not always the case but I fear it is in my department). This idea made me very happy because I teach the course with a very strong feminist bent (it is cross-listed with the Women & Gender Studies program) and people looking for an easy elective often don't mix well with the students who are taking it because they know it is a feminist course.

What did I find when I started teaching this week? Well to start the numbers jumped to almost maximum a day or two before the class started. This seems to be going on all over the university as we are getting a record number of late enrollments and new students are searching for any open course. It also seems that due to cut-backs other courses are closing at the last minute and students need to fill their schedules. This is not a course that is well-suited for a gap-fill. Throughout the week, students have been adding and dropping like crazy. We are also stuck in a room that is way to small so I literally feel like they are on top of me and each other. I now have 36 students, half of whom I believe are deadweight; a quarter who are conscientious students but have never been introduced to anything remotely feminist; and a quarter who are totally psyched about the course and bring strong feminist analytic abilities. To pull the class off successfully I'm going to have to keep the feminists excited and challenged; excite the conscientious without scaring them; and get at least half of the deadweight interested enough that they'll at least complete the work and engage in discussion. But what of the other half, you ask? I'm hoping one or two drop (or get dropped from excessive absence) and the rest sleep.

Mmmm. I just reread the above paragraph and realize it sounds way more pessimistic and bitter than I really feel. I do love this course and I think it will be a great experience for both me and the students but I am disappointed that what I thought was going to be an easy and fun class for me, is now going to be a major challenge. Of course students have a right to take whatever elective interests them but I hate when they take it because it fills a gap and they think it will be easy ("its about women and I'm a woman so..."). My department is struggling to move from a last chance major ("I couldn't cut it in X or Y major and this major will help me graduate the fastest") and while we're making some strides it is still prevalent.

My doctoral class is a methods class--which is really a strength for me. Teaching research methods is something I enjoy and it comes fairly easy. I co-taught this course 2 years ago with a colleague. It is really his course but he is overfunded this year, so I got to drop my large graduate intro class for this very small (8 students) methods course--major win. They're a fun and chatty group from diverse fields and I have nothing but positive expectations.

This week also brought our first faculty meeting (during which I strongly objected to something that the department chair had proposed--probably NOT the smartest thing to do the week before I put my packet in for tenure review--but it really needed an objection and everyone else was acting like they were asleep) and grading of the written half of comprehensive exams. Yesterday we did one of the oral exams for a student that has been part of my research team--she did very well and will be defending her proposal within a month--so I was very happy. I have two more oral exams in the next two weeks.

It is going to be a very busy semester.

An Anniversary--Of Sorts

Angel left today for school. As I walked to the university I realized that its been a year since I first let him go. The letting go was much easier (yeah...massive understatement) this time. I actually found it amusing when he said "I'll see you at Christmas. It will be fun."

So on the one hand I'm glad he's gone. Life is much less complicated without him here and its painful to watch how unhappy he is being home. On the other hand I feel bad being happy that he's gone.

Tomorrow is my first day of teaching, which will mark the beginning of my 4th year of teaching at my university. I'm excited to meet my students but sad to see the summer gone.

Sometimes there are no easy answers.

Training

I spent this weekend at a training workshop. Years ago I used to conduct training workshops (totally different content but the process is pretty much the same) for 2-3 days at a shot. It was exhausting and I grew to hate it. This time I was a participant.

I'm training to be a doula. We have a local program that supplies the doula training for free if you do your first three (certification) births with a teen mom. I will be paired with a teen mom and attend childbirth classes with her (as part of a mentoring program) and then I will be her doula. Having a doula has a number of health benefits for both mothers and babies including shorter births; fewer cesareans, and greater likelihood of breastfeeding. The program has had tremendous success with the teens. I don't see myself ever charging for my services but would like to continue as a doula to teen and low-income mothers.

There were 23 of us attending the training--including Pumpkin and three of my students. It was a great group of women with a variety of motives for being there but all committed to the idea of helping women birth. Unfortunately I was not enamored of the training itself or the trainer. I feel the former was directly related to the latter. I also think I'm probably overly critical from my years of being a trainer. However I did learn important information that will be invaluable once I am called to duty.