Goals and Dreams

I haven't contributed to a Scientiae Carnival for a while and when I saw this month's topic I thought I would have to pass on it again.  I thought I had nothing much to say these days in terms of my goals and my dreams for my science and my career.  But then I started to process this reluctance and realized it was not only quite worthy of a post but an important piece of processing to do.

When I first moved to SouthLite it was easy to list my goals.  In fact several people asked me to do so and I rattled them off.  In five years I wanted to: get tenure, get an R01, get a teaching award, write a book.  Five and half years later I've achieved two out of the three: tenure & teaching award.  I no longer want an R01 and I have several book ideas that I'd love to start writing.

But if you asked me now to rattle off a plan for the next five years I would be hard-pressed for an answer.  Yes I'd like to write a book (or several books) but what else?  Do I want to be a full professor?  I used to be sure but now not so much.  Do I want external (preferably NIH) funding? (Note: I've yet to secure external funding since moving to SouthLite.)  Not really.  I should clarify: while I would like it, I'm no longer sure the effort it takes to even submit a grant is worthwhile and having one seems more of a burden than a bonus for my colleagues.  At least that is how it appears at my institution and in this economic climate.

The bigger questions are: do I want to stay in academia? Do I want to stay in SouthLite? If I want both then charging ahead for full professor and securing external grants is the way to go.  If I want to stay in academia but move someplace else than external funding is probably a must and writing a book would be seen as a colossal waste of time and energy.

The second question is the much easier of the two to answer.  I don't want to stay in SouthLite.  At least I don't want to stay here for the rest of my working career.  I figure that could easily be another 25-30 years.  b and I definitely want to live elsewhere.  SouthLite is comfortable for now and we are happy here but we are not made for the South even at its' lightest.  We are both Northeasterners by birth and Pacific Northwesterners in our souls.  If a job was available in Portland or Seattle or Vancouver, I'd be on it in a hot second.

Sometimes we dream of an even more dramatic move.  Selling the little we have and living as exPats in a country high on the life satisfaction scale.  Lately, for b, that has been Iceland.  I love the idea of making a dramatic change without a definitive plan (i.e. a job waiting for me) but I know deep in my heart I have never been that kind of risk-taker.  I am a planner, a doer and, occasionally, a dreamer but I only take very calculated risks.

Combining the academic job of your dreams with the location of your dreams takes you straight to Fantasyland.  And so I think of leaving academia.  But what would I be?  It is not just for location that I have started questioning my fit in the hallowed halls of higher education.  With tenure and the economy, I have seen both a present and a future in higher education that turns my stomach.  The parts of the career that attracted me are being replaced by the parts I like the least.  I don't see that turning around anytime soon (if ever).

But to be fair my science has also changed considerably.  I was never a great fit for my field but my current interests are driving me in a very different direction.  I have only a tenacious hold on post-positivist empirical research and am being drawn further and further into what I see more as scholarship than science.  I am interested more in thinking and writing about theory than using or testing theory.  I want to capture, honor and promote marginalized voices.  I want to advocate for change rather than predict change.

I want to write.  I write on a daily basis and I want to collaborate with people who write on a daily basis (which is really hard to find in my neck of the academic woods).  I want to write for other scholars and for nonscholars.  I want to go beyond writing.  I want to incorporate visuals, such as documentaries and portraits, into my scholarship.  I want to create interactive virtual science/scholarship events that merge science and art.  I want to find new ways to give both individuals and populations a seat at the table; a say in how we construct what it is we think we know.

I find myself at a point where I have many dreams, a few fuzzy goals, but no plan.  It is an exciting place to be. 

Conferencing in Capitol City

I am at the super-huge annual conference for my field. It is being held in our nation's capital this year. I drove up with one of my favorite students and I'm rooming with my bestie colleague. Last night an enormous group went out for real Chinese food and then a smaller pack had drinks to celebrate my roomie's birthday.

I have two presentations. The first was today and was a big success. I presented a paper where I used my poem analysis method. I had many questions on how I do it and what can be done with it. I think I need to write that methods paper.

The weather has been beautiful and I've been taking lots of photos that I'll be sharing in future posts. Now I am off to dinner with the gang. Tomorrow I get to see my friends from UpNorth.

Theory Project

I have been exploring a theory from a different discipline than mine for a paper that I am writing.  I am going to submit this paper to a journal that is in this other discipline and it will not be received well unless I ground the paper in a theory that is relevant to the field.  I was not sure this would be possible when I first started searching for a suitable theory.

But the theory that I found fits very well and is helping me think about both my paper and my analysis in very different ways.  Luckily the founder of the theory has not only written extensively on the theory but writes in a very accessible and pragmatic manner.  For someone outside of the discipline, this is incredibly useful.

There is another theory that I'm exploring for the paper.  This is a theory I was very familiar with many years ago, when I was studying in a third field.  I have not kept up with the theory but my prior understanding of it is instrumental to how I am interpreting the data.  I dug into the literature to find something more recent than my ancient notes and was surprised to find the theory had morphed considerably since I last explored it.  In fact it has even changed names twice.  The current version of the theory is actually a much better fit for this particular paper and for my work in general.

I've been reading about these two theories simultaneously and I'm interested in how they speak to each other across fields; where they converge and where they depart.  There is a third theory in yet another field that I've been applying to my work for the past couple of years.  It would be very interesting to see what all of these theories have to say to one another and then to incorporate that dialogue into my field.

Each theory, in its own way, relates to relationships within families.  This is a large part of my current work and my discipline does not do a good job of addressing families (theoretically or practically). So I'm thinking of a paper project where I analyze these theories in conjunction to each other and to my field and see what I come up with.  It is an intriguing thought and, if nothing else, would be useful to shaping the direction of my work.  But in thinking about it I realize it is a type of paper I have not really seen in any of the fields where I work and read.  Why don't we cross-analyze theories?

On Happiness and Parenting

In the past two days I have run across this article referenced in a number of blogs and tweets.  It took 2 or 3 mentions to get me to read it and another 2 or 3 to get me to comment on it.  You may have to read it yourself to follow the rest of this post.  So go ahead.  I'll wait.

Now I've read several reactions to this article that endorse "helicopter-free" or "boosting emotional immunity" parenting.  Others are worried that they might be engaging in the obsessively positive parenting described in the article.  And I get the appeal of this article and of renouncing helicopter parenting, I really do.  There are sections of the article that ring very true to me, however (and you knew there had to be a big however) the underlying assumptions of the article are seriously flawed.

One problematic assumption is clearly demonstrated in the title.  Then in the first paragraph, the author (a therapist and mother) admits to being trained to see the problems of adulthood as being the fault of parents.  When she could not find evidence of poor parenting among her patients she (and it would appear the field of clinical psychology) decided that positive parenting is to blame.  Sounds like a damned if you do/damned if you don't scenario to me.

And while it is not explicitly said in the article, we are in fact speaking primarily of mothers.  Mother-blaming has been around for a very long time.  Perhaps as long as mothers have been around but I don't have the research to back that statement.

She claims the research shows parental fault to be the cause of adult neuroses (she does excuse mothers from the blame of schizophrenia) but that is because the research focuses on parental influence.  Science is not perfect and tends to find what it looks for.  I'm not saying that parents don't have a huge influence on their children's mental health, they obviously do, but there are many other influences that are not discussed.  There are also so-called parental influences, such as poverty or economic hardship, that most parents are not able to control.

In my own life, if I can get past what my mother and father did or didn't do, I can easily name significant people and events that have shaped my attitudes, behaviors, and sanity in adulthood. Other children stand out pretty big in my childhood.  For much of my elementary and middle school years, other children had a far bigger influence on my understanding of and expectations for happiness than either of my parents.  Teachers and camp counselors had a smaller but still significant effect.  As for the media, I blame Mary Tyler Moore and Rhoda for shaping my expectations on women's roles in society.

Enough with the mother-blaming.  Articles like this one are damaging because they refuse to acknowledge the larger context in which we all parent and helps further the never-ending "Mommy Wars."

The author has also bought into our societal messages on happiness and independence.  These are cultural constructs and not facts.  Not all cultures raise their children to be "productive, happy adults." Not all cultures expect to pursue happiness and certainly not all expect to obtain it 95% of the time. Some cultures accept emotions to be what they are: transient experiences.  Also not all cultures expect their children to leave the nest.  In some cultures children stay home or close to home and start their own families which then become extension of the original family.  Some cultures find it shocking that we expect our children to live away from the family in their early twenties.  Some of these cultures exist right here in America.

So who are the people portrayed in this article?  It is written to sound like this is happening all across America.  As if these behaviors can speak to all Americans.  In fact they do not.  Class and race are not considered in this article.  Too often our parenting advice is based on White, upper middle-class values and behaviors.  Class may be the biggest missing context in this article.  Protecting your children from unhappiness or misfortune looks a lot different among working-class families and different again among families living in poverty.

At the very end of the article the author admits that not all children are the same and implies that temperament may have something to do with how children respond to their upbringing.  In reviewing my own parenting behaviors (as this article practically forces you to do) I can see a lot of ways in which I protected Angel and weakened his emotional immune system.  However I also remember there were many opportunities to put his immune system to work.  He was a child capable of experiencing both great joy and great sorrow.  So far he has not required therapy as an adult.  He enjoys being happy but doesn't expect it to be a constant in his life.  Does that mean I was/am a good parent?  If he should require therapy in the future, would it mean I was a bad one?

The Never-Ending Practicum

All semester I've been teaching a practicum with my favorite group of doctoral students.  It is my first time teaching this course and I've been pretty much winging it as I go.  In our department we have a core course in qualitative methods (which I teach) but it is an overview course and we don't have a lot of time to go deeply into any one topic.  Several of our students have done qualitative dissertations and many more indicate that they would like to do so.  Our university has several qualitative methods courses in different departments but very few cover analysis with any depth. My idea for the course was to use available qualitative datasets (one of mine and one of my colleague's) and focus exclusively on coding, analysis and writing.  Analysis and writing would be done collaboratively and the final product would be papers for submission.

It has been a fun course to teach, partly because it consists of my favorite students and one of my favorite colleagues, but also because I am a bit of a methods geek and absolutely love reading and talking and thinking about methods.  As part of the course we read an interesting book that provides narratives on both the process of conducting qualitative dissertations as well as the student-mentor relationship.  Many excellent discussions came from these readings and we explored far more than just how to analyze qualitative data.

Perhaps the most important learning outcome to have occurred was the realization that this work is intensive and takes a long time.  Several of the students are rethinking a qualitative dissertation and the others are adjusting their timeline so they can do their dissertations justice.  We have two really interesting papers in the works but are still pretty far from having final drafts.  Classes ended two weeks ago but we added a few extra sessions to try and catch up.  Today was the last of these unofficial sessions but we will continue to meet informally throughout the summer to draft the papers.

Working with engaged students is a blessing.  I hope I never take it for granted.

Family Arrangements

For some reason (perhaps it was all the wedding and marriage talk going on around here) I recently realized that I am the only person in my family to have (technically) gotten divorced.  My mother did leave my father when I was seven but never bothered to make it legal.  She had no intention of marrying again (and although she has had several long term relationships, she hasn't remarried to this date) and then he died nine years later.  This left her a widow, something she didn't realize until she started collecting social security many years later.  As luck would have it, by not filing for divorce she now has bigger monthly checks.

Neither of my grandparents divorced or separated (although one pair probably should have) and none of my sisters have gotten a divorce.  So currently, I stand alone (and hope I remain that way, of course).

Today I ran across these statistics on step-families.  It made me realize, all over again, that I don't have any step-family members.  I did have a step-son during my first marriage but since that marriage is dissolved the relationship no longer exists (legally or emotionally; he is also my age so it never felt like a stepmother-son relationship, more like an incredibly awkward and inappropriate sibling relationship).  Angel has two step-parents, a biological half-brother, an adopted half-brother, and a step-sister.  b, of course, has a step-son but no other step-relatives as his parents never divorced either.  However his brother has twice, so that must make up for something.  Pumpkin takes the cake.  She has an adopted father, step-mother, one biological half-sister, and six other siblings that have no biological ties to her but are some form of half-step-adopted sibling.  (No one outside of the family can actually keep track of them all).  Now she also has me and b as emotionally-adopted parents.*

Of course, as the data show, these arrangements are all fairly frequent these days and will probably continue to grow.  What I find strange is that my family-of-origin appears so conservative when it comes to family configurations.  It is not like I have some la-de-da happy childhood to thank for it. In fact one could say that we took the 'fun' right out of dysfunctional when it came to family togetherness. So what is missing from this equation?  Unmarried partnerships.  We've had several of those in my family.  I wonder where they get figured into the data.

A major problem with doing research with families (as I do) is figuring out how to define a family. This becomes even harder when you consider the impact of time, as families change frequently. We decide within our families who we consider to be a family member and even then we may not all agree.  I found it interesting that Pew made the connection with obligations.  I tend to see it the other way around.  Those I consider myself obligated to, those I have chosen to be responsible for and to allow to be responsible for me, are my family members.  Blood and legal documents seem so much less significant.

*Pumpkin called as I was finishing up this post to invite us to an engagement party with both her and BB's parents.  We started talking about the post and she asked where in-laws fit in (no surprise since in-laws are very much on her mind these days).  It was a good question but probably deserving of its own post. 

RBOC: In Which I Post Simply Because It Has Been Too Long Between Posts

• Do I even need to say the semester has been crazy?
• Classes are going well.
• My grant did not get funded.  It didn't even get discussed.  However my institution may be paying me to rewrite it over the summer.  
• It is possible I will make more money in the writing of this grant than if I were to actually get it.
• Service is driving me crazy.  Really somedays I have to wonder if tenure is really worth all this aggravation.
• Last weekend I visited Pumpkin.  BB has left for a 5-week trip to Antarctica.
• Pumpkin directed the Vagina Monologues at her school.  I watched 2 of the 3 performances and was most impressed.
• Angel is having a wisdom tooth issue.  I did a stint of bad mothering trying to convince him it was nothing only to find out he has a major infection.  
• b and I are not big fans of Valentine's Day but we did a little celebrating.

We had pizza.

Had some wine.

And I made cookies.
Other than that I am counting the days until Spring Break.

Things That Are Bringing Me Joy

• Seeing the light at the end-of-the-semester tunnel shine bigger and brighter each day.
• Being able to write...really write...my own writing.  Because of the aforementioned light, I was able to send two revised manuscripts off to my co-authors in the past week.  On top of the pure productivity aspect, I really really like the "stories" these two manuscripts are now telling.
• Planning two new research projects for the spring.  The possibilities always seem endless in the planning stage.
• Having a student in my doctoral class say she was sorry there was only one class left after today...and really mean it.
• Having students in my undergraduate service learning class cry during their presentation because of the bonds they forged with the participants in their community agencies.  Now normally I don't like to see my students cry but this was an exception.  One of them said they received more than they gave.  Their community agency mentors were there and it was evident the feelings were quite mutual.  Almost brought tears to my eyes.
• Getting a call from Angel because he is excited about a paper he is writing (two days ahead of time) for a class and wanted to describe it to me.
• Knowing that Angel, Pumpkin and BB, will all be here for Thanksgiving and that they can all stay for more than 24 hours this year.
• Anticipating a visit from my sister!  One, where I will finally meet my future brother-in-law IRL.

Think Purple Not Pink

I used to enjoy the month of October.  I lived UpNorth where the leaves turned pretty colors and you knew it was your last chance to enjoy a sunny day for months.  Here in SouthLite the weather has turned beautiful but the leaves won't really change until November and it won't be as pretty. However my problem with the month of October is not the lack of fall foliage.  My problem with October is the color pink.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.  The ribbon color is purple.  You may not be aware of this fun fact since October is also Breast Cancer Awareness month.  If you have any contact with the world outside your home you know the ribbon color is pink.  In recent years the hype around the pink ribbon has gotten out of hand.  Don't get me wrong I am all for finding a cure (or better yet preventing the high prevalence rates) to breast cancer but I wonder how much more aware can we be?

October pink is all about buying products that make you feel socially conscious.  Buying the yogurt is not only good for you (actually quite questionable--have you seen what's in yogurt these days?) but a few pennies will also go towards breast cancer research.  Today at my favorite coffee franchise I had the opportunity to buy a pound of coffee dedicated to their roastermaster, Amy, who died of breast cancer.  My coffee purchase would, supposedly, help another woman out in the future.  Although I didn't buy the pink coffee I was given a pink coffee sleeve for the hot coffee I did buy.

Unfortunately not all pink donations are what they appear to be and Breast Cancer Action urges you to "think before you pink."  The donations are often not as generous as they appear and it is questionable how much money goes to actual research (or providing free mammograms or any other helpful preventive measure).  The research it does go towards is usually not environmental, which many reputable scientist believe is the most likely candidate for the high rates.  For an excellent read on the entire subject, check on Samantha King's book Pink Ribbons, Inc..

Currently the chance of having invasive breast cancer in your lifetime is 1 in 8 women.  The chance of dying from it is 1 in 35.  Nobody wants to face those odds.  Breast cancer research, prevention, treatment and advocacy is important and I am not arguing that.  However breast cancer has become the face of women's health in our country and I don't agree it is the top issue. One in six women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime (most likely by someone in their family or someone they know); 1 in 4 will experience domestic violence.  I don't know if domestic violence should be the top issue either but violence against women deserves some attention.

But we like breasts.  Breasts are sexy; breasts are fun; breasts are functional.  Domestic violence (or violence against women more generally) is harsh.  The poster doesn't sell.  Breast cancer also seems blameless (I'm not actually convinced of this--see comment on environmental factors above).  It is not a woman's fault that she gets breast cancer.  Many people still blame violence against women on the woman.  Breast cancer also doesn't call attention to our gendered interactions in this society.  Sure we pinkify and infantialize breast cancer patients (see Ehrenreich's article "Welcome to Cancerland") but the solution to breast cancer doesn't include changing how we see masculinity.  Men don't actually have to do anything but support their women to support breast cancer.

All I'm asking is if we can "Save the Ta-Tas" why can't we "Stop the Violence?"  Why do we have "Bikers for Boobs" but not "Bikers Against Battering?"

So this October, when you see pink, think purple.  I'll leave you with one of my favorite ads for domestic violence by one of my favorite actors.

RBOC: Something's Gotta Give Edition

• It is only two weeks into the semester and I feel woefully behind.
• My classes are going great.  My undergraduate class is really into the material.  I love a class that is willing to go with you, and this group definitely is.  My doctoral class has some quirks but is coming together.  
• I always forget that no matter how many times I've taught a class and no matter how prepared I am before it starts, prepping classes takes time.  
• I may have mentioned that my undergraduate class is a service learning class this year.  This means I have fewer students but I do need to coordinate with my community partners.  I have three partners, and they are all great, but it is another thing I need to remember and prep.
• Somehow I thought it would be a good idea to write a small proposal with one of my community partners and a new doctoral student.  We fleshed out the research idea on Friday and I really want to do it (it involves interviewing teen moms and doulas, so of course I'm interested) but the deadline is three weeks away.
• I love all of my graduate students but I have more than I should.  It feels like every week I have a proposal/draft to review or a comp exam to grade.  I am trying to say no to any new requests. 
• Did I mention the big grant (the one I've been working on for over a year now), still isn't done and is due in mid-October?
• I got one paper revised and out last week and hope to get a second out by the end of next week.  I will still have one more revision before I can even start on new papers. 
• My service commitments have gone through the roof.  I am trying to accept them strategically and to drop a few as more get added.  At minimum we are supposed to be on 1 committee in our department; 1 committee in our school; and 1 committee in our university.  Very few of us fail to meet this minimum and most of us far exceed it.  I am on two departmental committees and am Doctoral Program Coordinator; I'm the chair of a committee in our school and I am on three committees in the university.
• b and I have remained true to our new healthy lifestyle.  We continue to visit the gym 6 mornings a week and I slip in a few classes 2-3 times a week.  We had our second visit with the nutritionist and our diet is on track.  We are cooking at home a lot, which is good but has created a lot more work. We both feel good but tired most of the time.  We're hoping that changes.
• So far what has "given" is my 365 Project.  I stopped taking photos the week classes started.  It was actually a bit of a relief.
• Blogging has also been hard hit.  I'm posting around once a week now and I can't keep up with reading all my bloggy friends. I don't want blogging or reading blogs to feel like a chore. The worst part is I don't think of random blog posts to write throughout the day.  I miss that.
• My book club meets next week.  I'm only a third of the way through the book (mostly because I don't like it all that much) and have a growing mound of books I want to read on my nightstand.  I'm not sure how long reading for pleasure will last.
• I've also been working my way through Friday Night Lights on Netflix.  By the end of the day I am often too tired for anything but a TV show.  I was amazed by the first season.  What I thought was a silly teen show about football was really a critical analysis of race and gender relations, class, and disability.  The second season has proven to be less critical than the first but I've been assured it gets better.  

On Being Healthy

b and I have started a new healthy lifestyle approach.  In shorthand we refer to it as a diet but in all honesty it is really a lifestyle change as I don't see us "going off" of it.  b is hypertensive and has been having unwelcomed side effects (are any side effects really welcomed?) from his medications.  We are hoping this change will allow him to safely go off of his meds.  I have been slowly gaining weight--from being over 40 and working towards tenure.

Our new approach involves going to the gym together 6 mornings a week (for 1 hour) in addition to any other exercise we normally do (him: paddling, karate, biking to work; me: yoga, tai chi, walking to work).  We are also following the DASH diet.  We are primarily focusing on portion control and balancing our eating to be heavier on fruits and vegetables, reducing dairy and/or using low-fat dairy, and reducing protein sources.  For me a large part of the shift has also been learning how to eat throughout the day.  By nature I am not a "grazer" but the over-40 metabolism does not work well with long periods between large meals.  I have spent years teaching my body to be highly efficient with calories and, for once, efficiency is NOT a good thing.

When I tell people about our new lifestyle approach many comment on the importance of doing it together and the support that it offers.  This is definitely true.  In fact, I think it is incredibly difficult to make true changes unless your immediate family (those you share your household and life with) are on board and, preferably, actively engaged with you.   Actually this is a large part of my current research agenda.  The grant that I have been trying to write (for what seems like forever) is focused on making small healthy changes in diet and exercise within families and relationships. While I believe support is a large part of what can make this approach successful, I am also (maybe more?) interested in how changes in daily routines both affect and are affected by relationships. You see I believe that it is not only our strong relationship that makes this approach possible but that by doing this together we will make our relationship stronger.

In my research I am not focused on spousal or partner relationships but instead on mother-adolescent daughter relationships.  These relationships have a very different set of issues, many of which are emotionally-loaded.  This is not to say that spousal/partner relationships around food, exercise and body image are not emotionally loaded, but rather that they are expressed differently.  I have been fascinated by mother-daughter relationships and daily life for a many years and see this as one avenue for exploring that association.

I am also intrigued by windows of opportunity.  I see the mother-daughter relationship in adolescence as a window of opportunity for change.  It is often portrayed as negative but I think it can be (and often is) positive.  I am also realizing that the empty nest period is a window of opportunity for positive change.  I think it is easier for b and I to attempt this approach now than it ever was before.  Previously we have dieted together and it has been successful (in terms of temporary weight loss) but we have never tried anything as ambitious as this (we are also changing our sleep schedule and will soon be adding a meditation schedule to help reduce stress). I could see exploring issues of 'emptynestdom' in future studies.

My grant application also involves some cutting-edge technology and I am using my experience with b as an opportunity to try out some of this technology.  Now this does not take the place of trying it with my population, as I am not studying 45 year old academic professors and their spouses/partners, but it is still helpful to see some of the bugs now before I (hopefully) subject my participants to them.

Finding The Story

I work closely with doctoral students on their research.  Most of it is somehow connected to my research but sometimes it is research they have conducted without me (either on their own or with another faculty member).  I teach methods and writing in several of my classes and students have learned to come to me for assistance when they are in uncharted territory.  This summer I've had two similar but different experiences with students that has me thinking about how we learn to "story" our research.

The first incident involved quantitative analysis a student of mine did in a class I do not teach. From this analysis she got an idea for a paper.  She had permission from the faculty member (who supplied the data) to write it up for submission.  For whatever reason, she did not feel comfortable giving this faculty member her first draft but asked me to read it and provide feedback.  I agreed gladly.  Writing up your first paper is not an easy process (neither is the 50th paper and probably not the 500th paper but the first seems particularly difficult) and you need a trusted yet critical reader.  I was glad she felt I fit the bill.

Before she gave me the paper, we talked about the analysis and how she was framing the story. From that discussion I suspected that either the data was not so great or she was not using the correct analysis.  When I read the paper I surmised that it was in fact both.  She did a great job of drafting out her idea into a full-fledged paper but there were serious problems with both the research design and the data itself for the way she was framing the story.  In other words, the paper she wanted to write was not supported by either the design or the data.  There is potentially another paper in the data that she could write but it would require different analysis and a complete rewrite.  I'm not sure that is what she wants to do.  

My approach to feedback was to point out both the flaws in the "story" and the flaws in the design/data.  I wanted her to have a learning experience for how to story a paper (if the design/data were to fit) but I also wanted her to understand why it did not fit in this case and what type of design and analysis is needed to make the claims she wanted to make.  This type of feedback took some effort and time.  I sent it to her and then spoke to her about it in person.  I'm not sure she completely understands the feedback but this is a student who often needs to mull things over in private before she can learn from feedback and move forward.

The second incident occurred today.  I was meeting with another student over lunch and she was telling me the story of her "dead project walking" (her words not mine).  This is a qualitative study she started a year ago with another faculty member.  The data is collected and mostly analyzed. She felt the project was a good learning experience but did not feel that the findings were publishable and was ready to put it behind her.  However when she described the findings I found them interesting and was able to point her towards literature in the field that could serve as anchors for the rest of the analysis and the framing of the story.  I saw her face light up as the discussion unfolded.  It was not just the idea that excited her but seeing that there is a process to working through the "storying" of a paper.  

Now the second incident was far more rewarding (and less time-consuming) for me but both seem instrumental to student success.  The only way I learned to find the story in my data (quantitative or qualitative) was to work through the process with a more experienced researcher.  I'm not sure it is something that can be taught in a class.  There is something about coming up against a wall first that seems essential for eventually learning how to navigate walls. 

What is interesting to me is that one student saw the story in spite of the data and the other person couldn't see the story for the data.  One could argue that the problems are method-specific but I feel I have struggled with both problems using both methods.  What is hard for students to recognize is that The Study isn't The Story.  Students often perceive manuscripts as lab reports--you do the study and you write up the results--when the reality is writing is a form of interpretation and interpretation involves telling a story. 

Meta-blogging or Where Do I Go From Here?

 Shmutzie has declared this metablog week and I have been trying to participate for days but I've been having trouble wrapping my head around a real blog post.  I seem to be lost in summer funkland. As you can see the week has past and I'm only just now beginning to write.

Shmutzie's first post covered her original reluctance to meta-blog but I have no such compunction. Academics like to meta- just about anything.  We meta-analyze, we meta-cognate, why not meta-blog?

Meta-blogging is no more complex than blogging about blogging.  It is fun and I invite you all to give it a try.  For myself, I've been thinking a lot about what I have been doing here on this blog; about changes that have occurred gradually and naturally and about changes that I want to make in the future.

I've said before (without quite realizing I was meta-blogging at the time), I started this blog for two purposes: to join a conversation among academic bloggers and to work on my nonacademic writing voice. Both purposes have been realized and many others have been born.  Lately the academic portion sections of this blog seem few and far between.  One reason for the decreased emphasis on academia is because I've become involved in so many other great blogging communities, particularly blogs focused on creative writing and feminist mothering.

Up until now I haven't explicitly discussed my research or declared my field.  I've done that to help keep the blog pseudononymous but it is a strong factor that has pushed me away from academic blogging.  You see I'm not particularly interested in the administrative aspects of academia--there are only so many posts I can write about the mind-numbing effects of faculty meetings--and while I love writing about my students I worry about their identities and who really owns their stories. What really interests me is the subject matter of what I teach, what happens in the classroom when I cover this material, and what I learn from conducting research on these topics.

I'd like to write about that more explicitly here.   My work is as important to me as my family and not writing about it here seems fake.   As happens with all pseudononymous blogs over time, I have slowly revealed enough particulars that it is fairly easy to track my real-life identity. Also having achieved tenure I find I'm less concerned about colleagues finding my blog.  I rarely discuss specifics of my university and I just don't find office politics interesting enough to write about. What I don't want is to have my professional name linked to the blog.  I'm not sure why I feel strongly about this.  I don't want someone who wants to know about my research to find this blog in a Google search.  Perhaps I will feel different about that once I start blogging more openly about my work, but I doubt it.

My experiment with the Unravelling course and my ongoing pursuit of becoming competent with a camera has also affected the tone and feel of the blog.  I now think about the visual aspects of the blog almost as much as the written aspects, which is quite a step forward for me.  This seems natural, correct and organic.  Unravelling has also made me much more comfortable with taking and sharing photos of myself.

I've started a 365 Project and I'm sharing it on a private Flicker account with a small group of Unravellers.  Some of the 365 Project overlaps with this blog but not all of it, particularly not photos of me and my family.  I've started putting them into a separate blog and I'm thinking of linking to that blog from here.  I'm rather undecided about that.  How is it I'm more open to having my face linked to this blog than my name?  Other people share my name but no one shares my face.  But in academia you are known by your name and it follows you for your entire career even when you don't want it to. [My name from my first marriage is on two thirds of my publications and I will never be able to truly give it up.]

So be on the lookout for changes in content around these parts and perhaps a link to images from my daily life.  We'll just have to play it by ear and see what happens.

Seeking Help

I never cease to be amazed at the difficulty I have asking for help. I know it is a huge stumbling block for me, both in my career and personal life. I don't know why I hate it so much but I will do anything to avoid it, even when I know ultimately I can't.

I just spend two days procrastinating because the only next logical step for my grant application was to ask for internal and external reviews. I get asked to review work all the time. I know it is a given in academia and that people generally do it if they can. No one likes being pressed into service when we all have our own work to do, but we all do it. But it took everything I had to compose the emails and then hit send.

sigh.

At least its done. Now the worst case scenario is they say no and I'll have to find other people to ask.*

*Actually the worst case scenario is they say yes but don't do it and then I have to nag them.

Cat Fight

Sometime early this morning (around 0'dark thirty) b and I heard a cat fight going on outside of our house. Since TOC (a) lives most of her life outside and (b) is hated by every other living cat on the planet, it is not unusual to hear her screaming for her life when another cat invades our yard. As is the normal custom, b and Pupzilla got out of their respective beds and raced to the backdoor. Pupzilla loves a good cat fight and, although she normally doesn't notice TOC is alive, she is more than happy to rush out and defend her against the neighborhood toughs. However this morning the fight was (a) not in the backyard and (b) did not include TOC. b came back to bed and reported that the orange tabby (toughest of the neighborhood cats) and some unknown grey cat were in the feline version of the Mexican stand-off on the front lawn. Both he and Pupzilla proceeded to fall back to sleep.

I, on the other hand, lay awake in bed (normally it is b who can't return to sleep so this morning was unusual on many fronts). As I lay there, I started thinking about a problem I am having with a grant application. It is one of those good problems. I am currently writing a medium-sized NIH grant that is designed to solve a problem (Solution Grant). The solution to the problem is based on a theory that I have been slowly developing for the past few years. In addition to wanting to solve the problem I also want to understand the application of the theory to the problem, and I am particularly interested in how the theory works across time. To do this I would need to write (and eventually get) another grant (Theoretical Grant). Last month there was a call out for an internal award for faculty who want to write a grant application over the summer. It is not a lot of money but it certainly would be helpful to get summer pay to write this grant. So I submitted a very brief outline of my idea for Theoretical Grant. I honestly thought I didn't have a chance (they were only choosing 2 faculty members) but I figured it couldn't hurt to apply. Much to my surprise I got the award.

Now I have to respond on whether I will accept the funding and while that may seem like a n0-brainer, it comes with a few stipulations. The most troublesome stipulation is that I would need to submit Theoretical Grant by the end of the fall semester. I know how to do almost all aspects of the study in Solution Grant and for the parts I don't know how to do I have collaborators who have expertise in those areas. I also have a strong background in designing and implementing solutions but I am not as strong in studying change over time. The study design for Theoretical Grant would call for some very sophisticated statistical analyses and I don't have any collaborators who are experts in what I would need to answer my questions. So before I could even really get started I would need to identify and then assemble a new team. While this is quite doable it does take time and I still do have to get Solution Grant submitted. I am hesitant to commit to the stipulation since there is a good chance it could take me until the spring semester to get a competitive application together.

So as I was lying in the dark thinking about this dilemma, it occurred to me that I had left something out of my theoretical model. It was one of those flashes of insight that occur when you turn your attention slightly away from the problem-at-hand. You see I had just spent two days working on Solution Grant, where I describe intervening on three levels of a unit but my model only accounts for two levels. Once it clicked the discrepancy was completely obvious but neither myself nor my collaborators had caught it in the grant. By trying to think through what I would need for Theoretical Grant I stumbled upon an important problem in Solution Grant.

Eventually I got up and started working through the model and I am very happy with the progress I made and I am more excited about the direction of my research than ever before. I really want to tackle both issues: solution and change in the theory over time, as they do and should go hand-in-hand. I must admit Theoretical Grant is a little scary but there is no way around the doing of it. I just have to march straight through it. And I will have no better opportunity to devote time to it than the one being given to me this summer. I will do everything within my power to make the fall semester deadline but if it ends up being the spring semester than so be it. Ultimately I have to believe my university will understand it is more important to get it right than to get it in on time and I will have submitted Solution grant by then, so that should count for something.

The long and short of it is (a) I've decided to accept the funding and go full steam ahead with both applications and (b) I'm so excited by this model that I'm willing to put other projects that I have brewing in my research portfolio on hold in order to pursue it.

After working for several hours, it was time to for b and I to go to the store for dinner fixins'. As we walked outside of the house I saw what looked like a significant amount of grey fur in front of the steps. While I feel bad for the mysterious new kitty that succumbed to the wrath of the orange tabby, that cat fight did me a world of good.

RBOC: Spring Break Edition

• b and I had a truly lovely time on our anniversary weekend. We ate great meals, saw a fun play (Around the World in 80 Days), and enjoyed each other's company. Perhaps there was a wee bit too much drinking and b was fighting a cold throughout the festivities, but it felt both relaxing and invigorating to indulge ourselves for a while.
• I'm still working on that grant that I just can't get out the door. Grant revisions are a huge project for spring break.
• Another project for spring break is the bedroom swap/new study-library with a little bit of spring cleaning thrown in. I am finally going to buy a new bookcase (or two) so my books can have a home.
• Most exciting however, is that the Unravelling e-course that I signed up for (see nifty logo on the sidebar) officially starts tomorrow. Susannah Conway is the mastermind behind Unravelling and we are all excited to see exactly what she has in store for the course. Today everyone received access to the site and there has been a flurry of introductions and twitter followings. We are a large group (I'm not sure what our final numbers will be but as I type this 62 have already identified themselves on the site) and we span the globe. Welcome to all my fellow Unravellers. I'm looking forward to getting to know you all.

Continuity

Amanda wants us to write about continuity this month. I think of continuity as the intersection of time and stillness. Sameness can't exist without time.

To be continuous is to endure.

To be continuous is to hold on.

My science is all about continuity. I study daily life. I study the routines, habits and even relationships that we take for granted; that become the background for our stories about ourselves.

It can be difficult to capture daily life. When you tell a story, what are the parts you edit for brevity? What are the details you don't think to include? What are the pieces that you assume? Who are the people so familiar that you don't bother to describe them?

When we tell the story of our lives we create continuity. In fact, we recreate the continuity of our lives daily; making connections between events to make an unwavering whole; a single line. We narrate our continuous story to ourselves.

It is life's traumas and peaks that disrupt our story line. For these transitions we make allowances. We tell the story of us before and us after but still we search for the continuity between the two selves. Most people assume I want to hear about the breakpoints; the sections where trajectories changed. They can't imagine being interested in sameness.

My science is about continuity but it is also about change.

It is difficult to change behavior. As a species, we tend to do what we have done before. When we make change it often becomes temporary and we fall back to what we know; to what fits our story of ourselves; to what is unquestioned. Understanding the meaning of our daily sameness and then exploring where it does and doesn't work, are small steps we can take in an effort to create lasting change.

RBOC: Writing a Grant Edition

• More great feedback from our grant consultant guru has resulted in me trying to get this grant out in a week.
• Have been reading more than writing and while I love reading, I feel stagnated when I don't write.
• I've been taking yoga and tai chi classes. Loving both but am feeling itchy without a more cardio workout.
• The weather, general bad timing, and heating problems have kept me from the steam room all week.
• Bought myself clothes today that actually fit. Although my size hasn't changed dramatically all of my old clothes were bought for my pre-40s body.
• Pumpkin landed a great new job as a graduate assistant. She'll be making more than she ever has and learning cool new things!
• Pumpkin is also in The Vagina Monologues this weekend but the show is cancelled tonight due to snow.
• Snow is falling right now and I'm trying to stay warm and cozy.
• Hair is cut and colored.

One of those Days

• A colleague of b's dropped by the house half an hour early to ride into work with him. I was still in bed and asleep. Nice guy but NOT how I like to start my day.
• b had another flat.
• I was supposed to work at home but had to go in for a "appreciation luncheon" with my Dean, the Provost and the Chancellor. I had been nominated for a school-wide teaching award and they decided to have an event for all of us who did NOT win (aka "Loser's Lunch").*
• The lunch was highly fattening and not very tasty.
• After lunch I worked on my grant a bit and then headed home to work. When I got home I received an email informing me a paper I submitted over NINE months ago was rejected.**
• One of our Netflix DVDs seems to be missing in action. It was supposed to arrive yesterday but nothing yet.
• I was way too tired and cold and full to go to the gym so today is the first day I've skipped in 11 days.
• b's still having problems with his bike so I'm off to pick him up from work.

*I never expected to win and am fine with that....just would have preferred to skip the lunch.

**The reviews themselves weren't bad and could be helpful but the 9 months is painful. Plus one of the reviewers feels there's a fatal flaw with the data...don't know if I agree or how I feel about that.

Decade Review

A few people have been reviewing the last decades with year-by-year highlights. I like that idea a lot (and I'm way too tired to do the substantial posts that are brewing) so I thought I'd try it.

2000

Spent the year not-dating but secretly dating b and dating other men; was supposed to be working on my dissertation but didn't (I believe this year--along with 1999--was more about acting adolescent than adolescence actually was); TOC came into our lives.

2001

b and I got serious; Pupzilla came into our lives and made us a family; I got serious about my dissertation

2002

Defended my dissertation, graduated, got a faculty appointment, bought a house w/ b and moved outside of the city; b started his own business

2003

Lost my brother-in-law very unexpectedly, married b; b started working for horrible photographer; Angel started having serious issues with his father

2004 - 2005

Started getting into deep financial debt w/ house I loved but couldn't afford; b unemployed and then retrained as EMT and eventually paramedic; hated my own job and went on job search; discovered my research agenda. The Brute came into our lives.

2006

Found and landed current job; moved to SouthLite; spent entire year not selling house and falling deeper and deeper in debt; finally sold house at a loss in December; b took outdoor leadership course he always dreamed of and started yet another career

2007

Watched Angel graduate high school; helped Angel get into college and decide to defer; started slow process of paying off debt; learned to juggle research and teaching; started blog

2008

Met and emotionally adopted Pumpkin; sent Angel to college and dealt with the emotional fallout (mine); got obsessively serious about my research

2009

Adjusted to life post-active mothering; submitted tenure dossier; started doula training

2010 (so far)

Assisted at my first birth (separate post to follow); said good-bye to Pumpkin as she moved away to graduate school; who knows what comes next?