Goals and Dreams

I haven't contributed to a Scientiae Carnival for a while and when I saw this month's topic I thought I would have to pass on it again.  I thought I had nothing much to say these days in terms of my goals and my dreams for my science and my career.  But then I started to process this reluctance and realized it was not only quite worthy of a post but an important piece of processing to do.

When I first moved to SouthLite it was easy to list my goals.  In fact several people asked me to do so and I rattled them off.  In five years I wanted to: get tenure, get an R01, get a teaching award, write a book.  Five and half years later I've achieved two out of the three: tenure & teaching award.  I no longer want an R01 and I have several book ideas that I'd love to start writing.

But if you asked me now to rattle off a plan for the next five years I would be hard-pressed for an answer.  Yes I'd like to write a book (or several books) but what else?  Do I want to be a full professor?  I used to be sure but now not so much.  Do I want external (preferably NIH) funding? (Note: I've yet to secure external funding since moving to SouthLite.)  Not really.  I should clarify: while I would like it, I'm no longer sure the effort it takes to even submit a grant is worthwhile and having one seems more of a burden than a bonus for my colleagues.  At least that is how it appears at my institution and in this economic climate.

The bigger questions are: do I want to stay in academia? Do I want to stay in SouthLite? If I want both then charging ahead for full professor and securing external grants is the way to go.  If I want to stay in academia but move someplace else than external funding is probably a must and writing a book would be seen as a colossal waste of time and energy.

The second question is the much easier of the two to answer.  I don't want to stay in SouthLite.  At least I don't want to stay here for the rest of my working career.  I figure that could easily be another 25-30 years.  b and I definitely want to live elsewhere.  SouthLite is comfortable for now and we are happy here but we are not made for the South even at its' lightest.  We are both Northeasterners by birth and Pacific Northwesterners in our souls.  If a job was available in Portland or Seattle or Vancouver, I'd be on it in a hot second.

Sometimes we dream of an even more dramatic move.  Selling the little we have and living as exPats in a country high on the life satisfaction scale.  Lately, for b, that has been Iceland.  I love the idea of making a dramatic change without a definitive plan (i.e. a job waiting for me) but I know deep in my heart I have never been that kind of risk-taker.  I am a planner, a doer and, occasionally, a dreamer but I only take very calculated risks.

Combining the academic job of your dreams with the location of your dreams takes you straight to Fantasyland.  And so I think of leaving academia.  But what would I be?  It is not just for location that I have started questioning my fit in the hallowed halls of higher education.  With tenure and the economy, I have seen both a present and a future in higher education that turns my stomach.  The parts of the career that attracted me are being replaced by the parts I like the least.  I don't see that turning around anytime soon (if ever).

But to be fair my science has also changed considerably.  I was never a great fit for my field but my current interests are driving me in a very different direction.  I have only a tenacious hold on post-positivist empirical research and am being drawn further and further into what I see more as scholarship than science.  I am interested more in thinking and writing about theory than using or testing theory.  I want to capture, honor and promote marginalized voices.  I want to advocate for change rather than predict change.

I want to write.  I write on a daily basis and I want to collaborate with people who write on a daily basis (which is really hard to find in my neck of the academic woods).  I want to write for other scholars and for nonscholars.  I want to go beyond writing.  I want to incorporate visuals, such as documentaries and portraits, into my scholarship.  I want to create interactive virtual science/scholarship events that merge science and art.  I want to find new ways to give both individuals and populations a seat at the table; a say in how we construct what it is we think we know.

I find myself at a point where I have many dreams, a few fuzzy goals, but no plan.  It is an exciting place to be. 

That Time In The Semester*

It is that time in the semester.  The time that, at the beginning of the semester, I claimed would not come this time.  It is the time when no matter how hard I try, I can't catch up.  It is the time I start eating poorly and skipping workouts (sometimes just to get a little more sleep in the morning and other times to prep a class).

I was convinced that "that time" would only last 2 weeks this semester and be done by the end of fall break.  Unfortunately I somehow forgot that I was giving two presentations at a conference next week.  The presentations are based on papers already (or mostly) written but they still require preparing.  I will be at the conference from Sunday to Wednesday and will not be doing any of my regular work while I'm there.  This means that most of my work needs to be done before I go.

It will be a long weekend.

Today I organized a practice session for the doctoral students who will be presenting at the conference.  It went exceptionally well but ate up 3 hours.  It was great to see how far many of our students have come.  They have interesting research topics, well designed studies, and know how to tell a good story.  I was particularly happy that our newest cohort showed up to provide support and feedback and to see what their "older" peers can do.

**34 w's were used in this post. 

Theory Project

I have been exploring a theory from a different discipline than mine for a paper that I am writing.  I am going to submit this paper to a journal that is in this other discipline and it will not be received well unless I ground the paper in a theory that is relevant to the field.  I was not sure this would be possible when I first started searching for a suitable theory.

But the theory that I found fits very well and is helping me think about both my paper and my analysis in very different ways.  Luckily the founder of the theory has not only written extensively on the theory but writes in a very accessible and pragmatic manner.  For someone outside of the discipline, this is incredibly useful.

There is another theory that I'm exploring for the paper.  This is a theory I was very familiar with many years ago, when I was studying in a third field.  I have not kept up with the theory but my prior understanding of it is instrumental to how I am interpreting the data.  I dug into the literature to find something more recent than my ancient notes and was surprised to find the theory had morphed considerably since I last explored it.  In fact it has even changed names twice.  The current version of the theory is actually a much better fit for this particular paper and for my work in general.

I've been reading about these two theories simultaneously and I'm interested in how they speak to each other across fields; where they converge and where they depart.  There is a third theory in yet another field that I've been applying to my work for the past couple of years.  It would be very interesting to see what all of these theories have to say to one another and then to incorporate that dialogue into my field.

Each theory, in its own way, relates to relationships within families.  This is a large part of my current work and my discipline does not do a good job of addressing families (theoretically or practically). So I'm thinking of a paper project where I analyze these theories in conjunction to each other and to my field and see what I come up with.  It is an intriguing thought and, if nothing else, would be useful to shaping the direction of my work.  But in thinking about it I realize it is a type of paper I have not really seen in any of the fields where I work and read.  Why don't we cross-analyze theories?

Adult Learners

This semester I am teaching both undergraduates and doctoral students.  After teaching for over 5 years in both programs I am finally beginning to understand the difference between the two types of students.

Of course there are the obvious differences.  A lot of faculty focus on the difference in motivation: graduate students (especially doctoral students) want to be in school and have a vested interest in the field while many undergraduates feel college is mandatory and do not have a fondness for academics generally or the field specifically.  I suppose this changes by institution, field and program but the majority of our undergraduates are just doing time.

But the difference I've really narrowed in on lately is the ability to be vulnerable.  Undergraduates (at least traditionally-aged undergraduates--undergraduates are a pretty diverse group these days and I know I am over-simplifying here) are used to not knowing material.  They have been effectively trained throughout their K-12 education that they don't know much and the teacher knows everything. This is unfortunate as many of us know a lot less than we think and some of us would welcome being challenged on what we do know.  An effective undergraduate teacher needs to provide them with opportunities to challenge not only what they know but what others (particularly those in authority) know and then be able to evaluate the difference.  They need to own their knowledge enough to be vulnerable when it is challenged.  There is less vulnerability because they have less to lose.  They need to learn how to push their knowledge and to push back when others, such as their teachers, make knowledge claims.  I haven't mastered this yet by any means but I am recognizing that this is what my students need.

Doctoral students are in a very different position.  Most of them are coming back to school and are accomplished adults.  To get into a doctoral program is not easy and ours requires you already have a masters' degree.  This means we are teaching individuals who have a level of expertise in our (or a related) field and most have been working professionals for some time.  They are talented, intelligent, motivated and used to excelling in their area.  In their very first semester of the doctoral program this confidence is being shaken.  They are recognizing all that they do not know; all that they have to learn; and are beginning to question if they really are all that they thought they were. Many have a very difficult time being vulnerable in the classroom or in their assignments.

Vulnerability is incredibly important for learning.  You can only learn if you are open and being open makes you vulnerable.  Most (young) undergraduates are used to being open and don't feel defensive about acquiring new knowledge (that is not to say they can't be resistant; there are many ways that people resist learning).  Being vulnerable is a risky business and adults who have gained a sense of competence and confidence are reluctant to put themselves in that position again.  I am learning how to recognize this reluctance and to help students work through it.  For many it is helpful to acknowledge their expertise and to allow them to be comfortable with the discomfit of being a novice again.

I gave feedback on papers to both my undergraduate and my doctoral students last week.  Most of it was negative.  The undergraduates were concerned with their grades.  If the grade was even marginally good they didn't feel the need to see the feedback.  If the grade was bad, their only concern was the ramifications for their final grade.  The doctoral students reacted very differently.  I had two in my office today to discuss their papers.  The underlying concern was that this meant they might not be who they thought they were.  I could see the dreaded imposter syndrome rearing its ugly head.  With each of them I discussed writing as an continuous learning process and I acknowledge what they could do.  I let my students know that I expect them to struggle and that I deliberately give them difficult assignments so that they will be forced to do so. I expect them to learn from their assignments and they do.

I feel confident in my ability to make the classroom safe spaces for my doctoral students; a space to admit what they don't know; to stretch themselves and, occasionally, to fall down.  Sometimes it takes private conversations like the ones I had today to help establish that trust. I feel less confident in my ability to push my undergraduates.  I don't really buy that they don't care.  I'm sure there are a few who truly don't; a few who don't know why they are in college in the first place; but I am convinced that no one wants to do poorly and that most people want to push their understanding of a topic as long as you can hook them on the topic in the first place.  Now I need to find that hook.

Giving Feedback

I've been thinking about how we learn to give feedback.   Giving feedback is a critical skill in academia. We don't usually call it feedback, instead we conduct peer reviews and we grade papers. But how are we actually taught to do these things?  I remember being given opportunities to review papers as a doctoral student but no one really showed me how it was done.  As for  grading, I was taught how to develop rubrics but there was no instruction on how to provide feedback for a poorly written assignment.  I was very lucky to have mentors and editors who provided extensive and painful reviews of my work.  This not only taught me to be a better writer but I believe it taught me how to provide constructive criticism to others.

I have taught peer reviews in both my undergraduate and graduate classes.  Depending on how much time I have to devote to the topic, my instruction ranges from just providing a framework to showing effective reviews and discussing the review process.  As much as I can, I assign writing in drafts to allow for feedback before the final product is turned in.  Often I can arrange it so that each student gets feedback from me as well as from a peer.  Sometimes the peer feedback is helpful but there are many times when it is not.

Regardless of how I instruct students to do peer reviews, good reviews seem to come from good writers.  If you have spent time working on your own writing it is easier to see what is not working in someone else's writing.  If you are clueless in your own writing, it is pretty difficult to provide a meaningful critique of someone else's work.  Or perhaps it is associated with the ability to read critically.  Good writers are usually good readers and learning to read as a writer is one of the best ways to improve your own writing.

Most of my students appreciate my feedback.  They don't enjoy it in the moment but it helps them get to the next step for that particular paper and for their writing overall.  On doctoral committees I am often the one providing the most indepth feedback.  I provide feedback on both issues of design and issues of writing.  Sometimes this means I end up reading more drafts than other committee members, even when I am the outside member.  I don't like the additional workload but I'd rather help out early than have to critique a poorly written dissertation right before a defense.

Some advisors provide very little feedback.  My gut reaction is that this is not a sign of laziness or disinterest in a student.  It does take a lot of time to provide useful feedback but I find most of my colleagues are willing to invest that time in their students, especially their doctoral students.  Instead I think it comes from discomfort with the process.  This is probably a combination of not liking to tear apart someone's work (although many people are comfortable doing this in a blind review) and not knowing how to give helpful feedback.  Like students, many academics struggle with their own writing.  Technically they may have stronger writing skills than their students (although as a group academics are not known for writing well) but they struggle to put words on paper on a consistent schedule.

It is interesting to me that we spend years receiving specialized training in our field but so very little attention is paid to developing skills for the tasks we need to do on a daily basis: teach, write, review.

RBOC: Can't Manage A Coherent Post Edition

• Day O"Advising is done and I couldn't be happier.  It went fine.  There were problems. Maybe they'll be fixed next time or maybe it can't be fixed.  I don't really care.  I'm just glad I don't have to advise anyone tomorrow.
• I seem to know a lot of people who are breaking up or have broken-up recently.  They are all women.  Most of them are doing/have done the breaking up.  In talking with them it brings back memories of leaving my ex.  The stories are all so similar.
• Angel is thinking about applying to this school. It looks very cool and very expensive. While the job placement rate is extremely high, it is not a degree-granting institution. That makes me nervous.
• Pumpkin is applying for a new job.  She has a job and feels guilty applying for another one.  The new job would be a better match for her interests but over the long run won't pay as well.  I think she is perfect for the new job but she just found out that a friend, who already has two graduate degrees and has worked for the organization previously, is also applying.  She is worried.  She sent her application in yesterday and today they scheduled an interview.  I am not so worried.
• The President visited SouthLite recently and worked out at my gym.  He was there early in the morning but b and I slept in that day.  Of course.
• Yesterday I finished grading all the papers in my possession.  Tomorrow I get a new set.
• The w and q on my keyboard have stopped working.  I will have to send my laptop away for 5 days to get it fixed. You don't realize how often you use the w until you can't do it any longer.  
• b wanted me to type "doubleu" and "cue" instead.  It would look something like this:  The doubleu and cue on my keyboard have stopped doubleuorking.  I doubluill have to send my laptop adoubleuay for 5 days to get it fixed.  You don't realize hodoubleu often you use the doubleu until you can't do it any longer.  I opted to attach an external keyboard instead.  You're welcome.

The Mid-Semester Blues

My students were driving me a little crazy today.  To clarify, I mean my undergraduate students.  My doctoral student writing group met today and much progress has been made.  The undergrads were a very different story.

The story may need a little context.  We are now just halfway through the semester.  We've just come back from fall break.  They have gotten 65% of their grade for the semester.  Several failed the mid-term and only a handful did well on the paper.  I'm not happy and they're not happy (well most of them are not happy and 4 of them dropped the class).

The class was much smaller today.  In addition to the 4 drops, 8 were absent and 4 came in late. One of the people who came in late also left very early.  Several others seemed to have urgent bathroom needs.  Did I mention I was not happy?

I'll admit, today's topic is not one of my favorites and the format was almost completely lecture.  I prefer discussion but there was very little of that happening today.  I realized later when I recorded the attendance that at least half of those absent were my best students (and the ones I can count on for an interesting discussion).  To be fair, I generally find my interest in teaching any class decreases considerably at the halfway mark. I think if my semester was 8 weeks long, I'd get bored at week 4.  

We have some serious issues going on in our undergraduate program.  We are working on correcting them but I'm afraid it will take a few years.  In the meantime it is brutal getting through these classes.  Our enrollment has grown so much in the last few years that we can no longer use our regular advising system.  Tomorrow we are trying out a new system where we will be advising in groups for about 6 hours straight.  Somehow I don't think my mood will improve.

Fields of Inquiry

I've been thinking a bit about fields lately.  Not the kind found at the end of a path in the woods (although I really like that kind), not the kind where you conduct naturalistic research, and certainly not the kind with four bases.  I've been thinking about research fields; scholarly disciplines; fields of inquiry.

I gave my doctoral students an assignment that involved them reading an essay on the philosophy of science and mixed methods.  To make his argument the author positioned paradigms as shared belief within a field of inquiry or a community of researchers.  While I buy parts of his argument, that doesn't work for me as a working definition of scientific paradigms.  However I realize I am probably influenced by my lack of serious grounding in any one field.  I have a very hard time identifying my community of researchers.

The discipline in which I received my training is different from the discipline in which I have conducted research for over twenty years.  I tend to identify with the field in which I work and not the field in which I was trained.  But with no true credentials in this field, I am often considered a bit of an outsider. It is a very interdisciplinary field so it hasn't been a large problem in terms of getting positions or funding but there are subtle exclusions.  I've felt them the most in my current position when it comes to discussions of curriculum and teaching opportunities.

Since my adopted field is interdisciplinary, we tend to publish in other people's fields.  We play in a lot of people's sandboxes, especially when it comes to publications.  At least I thought we all did. Now I'm realizing that even in an interdisciplinary field, most researchers tend to find a focused set of outlets (in terms of journals and conferences) and set up shop.  I haven't done this.  My CV is rather all over the place.  I believe this is contributing to my long list of rejections lately.  I'm treading into areas where I am an outsider.

I've also been thinking about fields of inquiry because I'm reading a fair amount of theory in other fields.  I like theory.  I like reading about it.  I like thinking about it.  I like finding ways to apply new theories to my work.  I even have a fledgling theory that I'm trying to develop.  However theories overlap across fields (they also diverge in interesting ways but there is a lot of overlap) and it should not be so difficult to accept a theory from another field.  Yet sometimes it is.

So I've found a theory that I really like that is in a field I know pretty much nothing about.  I've been reading a lot about this theory, mostly articles and books written by the theory's founder.  In doing so I've been really struck by the benefit of immersing oneself so firmly in one field (and this case one theory).  It is not that she hasn't learned from other disciplines, she certainly has, but her focus for developing the theory, evaluating the theory, and writing about the theory is all soundly in her field.

It would be nice to be so firmly positioned but I realize this never would or could be me.  I enjoy hopping around to much to ever stay in one field.  I like making analogies and connections across disciplines.  I feel I learn much more this way.  In fact lately I have plans to position my work in three additional fields (or subfields).  I don't know where this all will lead me but I imagine it is going to take me longer to get there.

On Rejections

Just the other night I had finished up a post and was closing my laptop to get ready for bed when I checked my email one last time.  It was right before midnight and one lone email popped up.  It was a decision email from an editor rejecting my paper.  Who sends out rejection emails at midnight?

I have certainly received rejections throughout my career but lately they have been coming fast and furious.  I have not had an acceptance in a long time.  Actually I should say I have not had an acceptance where I was the first author in a long time.  My students and colleagues that write with me have faired much better than me as of late.  It has been over a year since I've even received a revise and resubmit on a first authored publication.

At first I thought it was because I was not spending enough time and careful attention on my own work. I still believe this was true but not for the last few manuscripts.  I may be picking the wrong journals but this last paper has been rejected by two journals in the past 4 months and both of them were very carefully selected.

So I need to ask myself, what exactly is going on?  Unfortunately there are a lot of variables so it is difficult to pinpoint the problem.  I could chalk it all up to a bad streak.  However the one consistent thing that that has changed is the my perception of my writing and research topics.  When I had less difficulty getting published I thought most of my work was rather boring and not all that unique.  Sure there was something in each manuscript that hadn't been asked before, but that something felt rather minor.  Lately my work has felt a bit more cutting-edge.  I'm trying to merge fields; I'm using riskier (at least for my field) methodology; I'm asking unique questions.  

I am also operating on a smaller scale.  In my last position I had the luxury of large grants (which generated large datasets) and a famous PI.  Our methodology, though conservative, was sound. Currently most of my work is put together on a shoestring.  I make it happen by my efforts, a student research team and (if I'm lucky) a few extra dollars thrown to me from my university.  

I think it is possible to be successful in academia asking unique questions with risky methodology but you probably need the resources and the backing that I had before.  I also think it is possible to be successful doing smaller scale work, but you may have to be more conservative.  Or perhaps it is something completely different.  Perhaps I have just not found my voice in this new area yet. Science is incredibly conservative and new ideas need to be introduced carefully.  I know this from my training.  The problem is I don't know if I have the patience.

My ideas are well received in conferences and presentations.  People seem excited about what I am doing when I talk to them about it.  Normally I would say that they are just being kind but my previous experience tells me that academics enjoy telling you what is wrong with your thinking or methodology, even to your face.  

I don't need a lot of new publications.  I have published a lot for someone at my level.  Also I have the luxury of tenure and I continue to publish (although not as first author as of late).  One of the problems with the rejections is that I need to keep working on the same manuscripts.  I want to get them out because I am wedded to them.  They not only represent a significant amount of my time, effort, and thought but they also represent the voices of my participants and I feel they deserve a chance to be heard.  At the same time I have at least a dozen (actually it is getting close to 14) new papers that are somewhere in the analysis/writing stage.  More importantly, I have a desire for bigger projects.  I have several book-length projects in mind but I don't feel I can start them until I've cleared away most of these papers.

My manuscripts are beginning to feel like children who refuse to leave the nest. 

Twenty Things I Am Doing While Not Writing a Blog Post

1. Helping Angel with a semester-long research project
2. Lots of yoga
3. Making chocolate sauce and then dipping fruit in it
4. Revising a paper that I've rewritten twice already and just can't get right
5. Watching Dr. Drew on Celebrity Rehab
6. Rubbing Pupzilla's belly
7. Answering student emails in an attempt to clear up their confusion over the assignment
8. Reading other people's blog posts
9. Giving presentations
10. Snuggling b
11. Not cleaning my house
12. Reading dissertation proposals
13. Watching b's videos of his paddling trip
14. Worshipping The Brute
15. Not taking any pictures
16. Writing letters of recommendation
17. Hosting book clubs where no one read the book
18. Going to the theatre
19. Trail running
20. Wishing I was writing a blog post

Audition Week

It is the first week of classes.  Today, as I was parking my car to go and teach my first class, I overheard two drama students discussing what they would wear to auditions that evening.  It was a cute conversation (each one telling the other how great they were in their respective clothes).  I then went and taught my class but the concept of auditioning stuck with me.

My university has had a substantial increase in enrollment in the past few years and one of the undergraduate programs in our department has more than tripled since I started five years ago.  In addition to our majors and minors we also have several large departments that require our courses of their majors.  We have both online and face-to-face sections of all our classes in this program. However I only teach one undergraduate class and it is an elective.

Each year the first week of classes (also known as the add/drop period) feels more and more like an audition.  For a number of reasons students usually register for more classes then they are going to take and then drop some during the first week.  They also "shop around" attending a class or getting information from their friends and then deciding what to add and what to drop.  Some of this happens before the class even meets.  For example, my course has a cap of 50 students.  I am over-enrolled by 4 making the final count before I taught the course today 54.  However the latest student to register was number 93.  By the end of the week it may be well into the hundreds.

Students take courses for a variety of reasons with the number one being to fulfill their requirements for their major and/or minor.  Scheduling is also very important.  A class needs to fit into their schedule.  Both of these make perfect sense to me but it saddens me that a third of my class today had no interest in the subject matter.  Instead it met the first two requirements.  The third requirement for many students is level of difficulty.  There is the perception that electives are supposed to be easy.  Mine is not.

I use the first week (I teach twice a week for an hour and fifteen minutes each) to make my expectations perfectly clear and to layout the amount and type of work they will be asked to do.  In most cases, students who have no interest in the subject and are expecting an easy class are going to end up failing.  That is not a good experience for any of us and I want them to drop.  I also want the students who are either interested and/or willing to give it effort an opportunity to either stay in the class or add the class.  And so the first two classes feel like an audition.  I try to highlight both the strengths and the challenges of the class sufficiently so both groups of students can make an informed decision.

By the end of the session today my stats were: 54 registered; 44 attended; 1 walked out; 3 asked about transferring to the online section.

This year we have more students then ever along with a severe budget cut.  There simply are fewer sections, fewer electives to choose from, and restrictions on some of the courses.  I fear many will not be able to drop the course.

On Doulas and Dissertations

Many before me have made the analogy between completing your dissertation and giving birth.  I think the analogy has a lot of merit but recently I've made the connection between being a doula and being a dissertation advisor.

• Supporting someone in labor, whether it be a with a baby or a dissertation, is grueling and rewarding work.
• Before true labor begins, neither the pregnant woman nor the doctoral candidate can really fathom what the process will be like.  As doula/advisor you try and describe it but you know that half your words are falling on deaf ears.
• During labor both the pregnant woman and the doctoral candidate want it to be over.  It is your job to hold their hand while helping them forward.
• Both declare they will never do this again.  The pregnant woman may swear off sex.  The doctoral candidate usually develops elaborate fantasies about the non-intellectual career (mine was living on a mountain top, stockpiling arms and teaching martial arts to the local children) they will start as soon as it is all over.  It is your job to take these declarations seriously and not laugh in their face.  
• There is much effort but the glory is not yours.  Luckily neither is the pain.

There are, of course, significant differences. The most important one is:

• The pregnant woman has the choice of using drugs or not.  As a doula it is your job to support a woman regardless of her choice.  As a doctoral advisor it is best to keep the student sober, at least until it is all over.

Life Lists

I've been thinking about life lists (or the more depressing version - bucket lists) lately.  I've never had an official one but I've always had things that I knew I would eventually experience or accomplish.  I've been thinking about what is left on that list lately.  I think a combination of (a) acquiring tenure, (b) being an empty-nester, and (c) passing that dividing line between early forties and late forties, has initiated a mini-mid-life crisis.

Also the opportunity has arisen for me to join b on his epic adventure this summer.  If you recall, b will be driving clear across country to The Last Frontier.  There he will meet up with a good friend (he's gone from 9 interested companions to one friend who was never part of the original group) and paddle the Inside Passage.  Because of the change in group membership, he will be able to leave earlier and paddle faster.  This means he will be off the water in enough time for me to meet him there and drive back home across the country together before my semester starts.

Yesterday I developed an itinerary for the homeward drive that has us going through parts of Canada I've always wanted to visit and seeing some of the major national parks.  This is a trip I've always wanted to do but never knew when or how it would happen.

I am very excited.

But it has also gotten me thinking about life lists.  This will be one I can cross off of my non-existent list.  Below are some of the other items I could cross off right now (in chronological order):

• Getting my black belt
• Becoming a mother
• Getting published
• Getting a grant
• Finding my life partner
• Getting my doctorate
• Becoming a professor
• Traveling abroad
• Buying a house
• Getting tenure
• Watching a birth

There are a few things that are still on the list but the possibility of them occurring is out of my hands:

• Dancing at Angel's wedding
• Becoming a grandmother
• Helping Pumpkin give birth

There are one or two things that are in my control that are definitely on the list:

• Writing a book
• Hooding my doctoral students

Other than these things, I have no clue what should be on the list.  Sure there are things I've thought of doing or places I would like to go, but none of them really seem important enough to make a life list.  Is this a good thing?  It is great to have accomplished/experienced so many things that are important to me but the thought of living without significant possibilities or goals ahead of me is a little depressing. I feel like I'm in a similar spot with Angel right now--we're both trying to figure out what we want to do with the rest of our lives. 

Detox Week

Today is the official start of Detox Week.  It is the week after graduation and my colleagues and I are cleaning out our mental systems.  We have put the academic year behind us and are embracing summer break.

I spent most of the day cleaning my office.  I even destunkified my couch (yes I have a couch in my office) and sanitized my yoga ball (yes I have a yoga ball in my office...its a big office).

Tomorrow's agenda is hot yoga.

Graduation Daze

Today was graduation.  We have two on the same day: the university graduation in the morning and the departmental graduation in the afternoon.  I didn't make it to the morning one. I have not been a happy camper at work lately and just didn't have two graduations in me.

Instead I ran in the park (absolutely lovely) and then cleaned my house and set-up the spare bedroom (Pumpkin and BB are coming tonight).

Then I headed over to campus for the second graduation.  It is always heartwarming to see students graduate and hear their exuberant families in the stands.  However, two years ago we went from a school-wide graduation to each department hosting its own graduation.  This is supposed to make it more personal but I haven't found it to be true.  Instead it is a lot of extra work with fewer resources so the result feels rushed and formulaic to me.

Luckily the students seemed to enjoy it.

Afterwards we host a small reception in the gym and students bring their parents over to meet the faculty.  I'm not a sociable animal and don't shine at the meet and greet but I know it is an important part of the event.

This year one of my students had a traumatic experience and is not doing well.  I am worried about her and it was sad to see her affect so flat on graduation day.  She promised to visit me during the summer and I'm hoping she follows up on it.

Tonight I went to a party at another student's house.  Many of my students (both graduate and undergraduate) attended as did Pumpkin and BB.  I also got to spend a little time with the student's mother, sister and brother-in-law and it was much nicer to get to know them in a more informal setting. This student has been a research assistant for me for almost three years now. She is taking a year off before graduate school and wants to continue our work together in the meantime.

I will miss them all when they leave but I am realizing how they have formed a revolving community: as some make their way out, others are being welcomed in.

RBOC: Procrastination Edition

• I have had several serious posts in my head all week but no time to write them.  Today I seem to be doing everything possible to avoid grading the second half of a stack of student papers.  The result is an RBOC post.
• Last night I heard both sad and bad news for other people.  There is nothing I can do about the news except listen.
• The Brute has taken to peeing in Pupzilla's food bowl.  Yesterday he did it while her leftover breakfast still in it.  
• This afternoon I met with my latest doula-mom and her husband.  They are very cute and sweet and made me an incredibly delicious lunch with fresh baked buns and pie!
• I have plans for this to be the Summer of Yoga.  I cannot wait for the semester to end.
• I have developed a "bad attitude" towards work.  The trip to Emerald City did wonders for my mood but my attitude hasn't budged a bit from "evil."
• We have a faculty meeting this week and I'm going to try my best to keep my mouth shut and my evil attitude tucked safely inside.
• b was away doing a training this weekend.  The training happened to be in the same city that Angel lives in, so they met for dinner tonight.  I wish I was there.
• Smudge has taken up residence under the covers on my side of the bed.  Sleeping with a nose full of cat hair is no fun indeed.
• After days of thunderstorms, some spring weather showed up this afternoon.  I spent it sitting on my back patio looking up birthing videos (yeah, I know how to have fun).  
• As nice as it is in my backyard, I really enjoy the evening sun at the front of the house. 

Looking in the kitchen window

Looking out the kitchen window

Off To See The Wizard

The Wizard of Oz was an annual event in our home.  Watching it reminds me of the days when certain shows were only available once per year.  The Wizard of Oz and Mighty Joe Young were Thanksgiving events.  The Ten Commandments happened only around Easter.  It's A Wonderful Life was aired the week before Christmas and Christmas Eve. Now, of course, you can watch shows and movies pretty much whenever you want.

There is still something to be said for waiting for a classic.

Tomorrow I leave for Emerald City.  After the semester I've had, I need a little trip to the wizard.  I need to believe again.

I'm going with my favorite colleagues and one of my favorite students.  There is a conference in Emerald City where  am sure I will learn new and wonderous things but more importantly I need to travel a far to realize there's no place like home.

What I Did On My Spring Break Or The Spring Break That Wasn't

Today is the last day of my spring break.  I am not happy about this.  It is made worse by today being Daylight Savings and I've lost an hour.  Normally I either spend spring break on vacation (which means I come back rested but behind in my work) or I spend it working (which means I'm caught up--if not ahead--but tired).  This year I opted for the latter.  Unfortunately, in spite of working every single day (including both weekends) I am not caught up.  I may, in fact, be more behind than before.

It seems no one took spring break off and instead they all decided to generate work (and aggravation) that they sent to me throughout the break.  There were meetings, there were phone calls, there were emergency requests, there were large documents and they were all directed my way.  I am not happy.  I am in fact done.  Done with this semester, done with this academic year, done with drama, done with other people's agendas and petty squabbles.  It has not been pretty and it is quite likely to get uglier yet.  Luckily I did spend considerable time at the gym and took multiple tai chi and yoga classes. Therefore I am steadfast in my resolve to stay out of the fray, live in the moment, and do only what can be done.

b is traveling most weekends this spring, leaving me to my own devices.  Friday I drove down to see Angel.  His spring break was just starting and he had plans to go backpacking with friends.  I brought down a backpack, sleeping bag, and water bottles.  I also had a ton of kitchen items from friends that I thought he might want.  We had lunch and then took a walk along a greenway that was just completed behind his house.  He uses it frequently as a running path but that day we just walked it.  I love that Angel loves to walk.  It is his preferred method of transportation, as it is mine, and some of our best talks happen when we walk together.  Friday was no exception.

Today was the most beautiful day of the week.  Unfortunately I forgot about Daylight Savings Time and slept too late to make it to my yoga class.  Instead I quickly settled into a large pot of coffee and grading.  As the day wore on I didn't want to lose it completely and decided to take a bike ride.

This was my first bike ride of the season and from my new house.  I found an easy path to the nearest park.  There are plenty of biking paths in the park and I had a wonderful time.  There was a reenactment of the Revolutionary War going on throughout the park.  Between that and the beautiful day, it was quite crowded.  I'm not a big war buff or reenactment fan, so I didn't stop to take pictures.  However on the way back I passed an open cemetery.  I am a big fan of cemeteries, so I wandered around and took a few photos.  

Now it is back to grading and preparing for the week I have ahead of me.  

Deuces Wild

• I am teaching 2 classes this semester.  One of which I have taught for the past five years and the other I'm teaching for the first time.
• I have 2 research projects I am starting this year.  One is up and running and the other is languishing on my desk.
• I am on a search committee for 2 additional faculty members.  One position has already been filled and we are trying to bring in 2 other candidates in the next 2 weeks for the second position.
• I have 2 students that are having serious problems and I am worried about them.  

RBOC: In Which I Post Simply Because It Has Been Too Long Between Posts

• Do I even need to say the semester has been crazy?
• Classes are going well.
• My grant did not get funded.  It didn't even get discussed.  However my institution may be paying me to rewrite it over the summer.  
• It is possible I will make more money in the writing of this grant than if I were to actually get it.
• Service is driving me crazy.  Really somedays I have to wonder if tenure is really worth all this aggravation.
• Last weekend I visited Pumpkin.  BB has left for a 5-week trip to Antarctica.
• Pumpkin directed the Vagina Monologues at her school.  I watched 2 of the 3 performances and was most impressed.
• Angel is having a wisdom tooth issue.  I did a stint of bad mothering trying to convince him it was nothing only to find out he has a major infection.  
• b and I are not big fans of Valentine's Day but we did a little celebrating.

We had pizza.

Had some wine.

And I made cookies.
Other than that I am counting the days until Spring Break.