Letting Go

Boy is away visiting his father for 3 weeks. When he comes back we'll have 6 weeks before he goes away to college. So this trip away is kind of a "test run" for b and I. He's certainly been away for 3 weeks before. Last year he went to Vancouver for 3 weeks. He often goes to visit his father for 2 or 3 week at a time. But this feels different....because it's a test run.

Boy has been doing his best to get on my last nerve for the past 2 months. I know this is normal and healthy but it is amazingly annoying. We're doing our best to handle it with humor. I told him it was my job to make him want to leave home and it was his job to make me want him to leave. My job is done, his job is probably impossible.

But he's taken it to heart and is giving it his best shot. Boy has always liked long drawn out discussions. Usually we see eye-to-eye. Occasionally we disagree and get into debates that contain humor, teasing, and some deep thought. I love talking to Boy. He's got my family's conversation style down pat. Lately however, he's been needling me. He'll sucker me into one of these conversations and start being contrary--saying anything to get my goat. This is how his father argues. I divorced his father.

It is usually pretty difficult to get under my skin. I can stay annoyingly unruffled but Boy can get to me every time. And yet I miss him. I'd rather have him here--generating dirty dishes in the middle of the night; leaving puddles on the bathroom floor; attacking me on environmental stances he doesn't even hold--than anywhere else in the world.

Worse yet, he alternates needling with being needy. I know he's nervous because he requires a lot of hugs lately. He shows this by standing next to me and throwing his arms wide open until I come in for a hug. He comes in and lies on my bed when I'm reading to talk and snuggle. He's been bringing up random memories from when he was little.

A few months ago, before all this behavior started, he was working two jobs and we barely saw him. When we did see him he was tired but friendly. It was kind of like having a roommate you really like but rarely see. b and I began to get used to alone time and I, foolishly, thought this letting him go away to college wouldn't be so hard. But then he quit one job and the other job got quiet. He was around a lot and I'm around a lot (because it's summer and I don't have to go into the office). We started going to the gym together. He came back to the dojo with me. We took Pupzilla on long walks together (him needling me all the while).

I got used to him being around all over again. Now he's not here but I know he'll be back and then he won't be here. I know this will play out for the next few years, each time him needing me to be there less and less. "A mother has to be there to be left." I've heard it before and I know it's true but man does it suck being the mother.